Hubert Henry Davies 

LADY EPPING'S 
LAW SUIT 




A COMEDY IN THKEE ACTS 



Walter H. Baker 6 Co.. Boston 



a. W. Imero's Paps 

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THE AMAZONS ^^^^^ ^^ Three Acts. Seven males, five females. 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, not difficult. Plays 
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THE CABINET MINISTER Farcem Four Acts. Ten males, nine 
females. Costumes, modern society ; 
scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

DANDY DICR ^^r*!® ^ Three Acts. Seven males, four females. 
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THE GAY LORD OUEX Comedy in rom- Acts. Four males, ten 
" females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 

two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

niS BOUSE IN ORDER ^^^^^^y^^^^^''-^'^'^'^- ^Ine males, four 
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THE HOBBY HORSE ^°^^^y ^ Three Acts. Ten males, five 
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IRIS ^''*™* ^ Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
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males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, four in- 
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^ males. Costumes, modem ; scenery complicated. Plays a 

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Lady Epping's Lawsuit 



B V THE SAME A UTHOR 
Uniform with this Volume 



Cousin Kate 

Mrs. Gorringe's Necklace 

Captain Drew on Leave 

The Mollusc 

A Single Man 



Lady Epping's Lawsuit 

A Satirical Comedy in Three Acts 



By 
HUBERT HENRY DAVIES 



All rights reserved under the International Copyright Act. 
Performance forbidden and right of representation reserved. 
Application for the right of performing this play must be made 
to the publishers. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

LONDON 

WILLIAM HEINEMANN 
1914 



Lady Epping*s Lawsuit 

CHARACTERS 

(^i originally produced, October 12, igo8, at the 
Criterion Theatre, London.) 



Countess of Epping 

Lady Lucy Lister 

Lady Beacroft . 

Evelyn Hughes 

Miss Vanderhide 

Miss Berengaria Mortimer 

Miss Ferris 

Earl of Epping . 

Lord Oswald Bruce-Bannerman 

Mr. Justice Wray 

Mr. Craven, K. C, . 

Mr. Clinton Perry . Mr. 

Mr. Paul Hughes 

Rev. Dr. Gull . 

Mr. Pearson 

Henry 

Mr. Hickory 

Associate in Court Room 

Usher .... 



Miss Mary Moore. 

Miss Elfrida Clement. 

Miss Anne Cleaver. 

Miss Grace Lane. 

Miss Norma Whalley. 

Mrs. Sam Sothern. 

Miss Frances Vine. 

. Mr. John Toke. 

Mr. Walter Pearce. 

. Mr. Eric Lewis. 

Mr. Berte Thomas. 

Ferdinand Gottschalk. 

Air. Satn Sothern. 

Mr. Cooper. 

Mr. Reginald Besant. 

Mr. Lawrence White. 

Mr. Arthur Hare. 

Mr. Thomas Braidon. 

. Mr. Toose. 



Barristers, solicitors, clerks, pressmen, footmen, and 
the general public. 




Copyright, 19 14, by Hubert Henry Davies 
As author and proprietor 

All rights reserved 



^ 



0)G!.D 36922 



^ 



SYNOPSIS OF SCENES 



ACT I. — The drawing-room at Epping House. 

ACT II. — The library of Lord Epping's House in Berke- 
ley Square. 

ACT III. — Courtroom X King's Bench Division. 



PLEASE NOTICE 

The stage rights in this play are strictly reserved by the 
author, to whose agents applications for its use should be ad- 
dressed. Correspondence on this subject may be addressed to 
the publishers of the play. 

Attention is called to the penalties provided by IslW for any 
infringements of his rights, as follows : 

" Sec. 4966 : — Any person publicly performing or representing any 
dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, 
without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composi- 
tion, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, such 
damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred 
dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as 
to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and rep- 
resentation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty 
of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not 
exceeding one year." — U. S. Revised Statutes, TitU bo, Chap. 3. 



Lady Epping's Lawsuit 



THE FIRST ACT 



SCENE. — The drawing-room at Epping House. 
Two large French windows at the hack which 
being open show an extensive view of lawns, 
flower gardens, and trees. There is a door 
on the right. The furniture and hangings 
are of rich pale green brocade. There is a 
settee large enough to take tivo people easily, 
three at a pinch, and about the room are chairs, 
tables and the usual furniture of such a room,. 
It is about five o'^clock m the afternoon of a 
fine summer Sunday. 

As the curtain rises EvELYN HuGHES, a pretty 
young ivoman, is seated on the sofa reading a 
book. John enters. 

John. 
If you please, mum, there's a Miss Ferris 
called. 

Evelyn. 
You'd better tell her ladyship ; she's in the 
garden. 

7 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

John. 
She's asking for Mr. Paul Hughes. 

Evelyn. 
Oh ! What does she look like ? 

[^^zSer Miss Fereis. Exit^iou^. Miss 
Ferris is a hustlitig blonde about 
thirty-jme. She is Tather overdressed 
in a cheap way. Several attempts at 
the latest fashions hut not too unlikely. 
She comes to Evelyn and offers her 
hand. Her manner is extremely genial 
a/nd effusvoe. 

Miss Ferris. 
Are you Mrs. Hughes ? 

Evelyn. 

Yes. 

Miss Ferris. 
His wife, of course. 

Evelyn. 
I am my husband's wife. 

Miss Ferris. 
How proud you must be of him ! 

Evelyn. 
Yery. 



LADV EP PING'S LAWSUIT 9 

Miss Ferris. 
What a success it was ! A veritable triumph ! 
No more slump in the British Drama now that 
your husband has come to the rescue. After 
such a play as " Glass Houses" — his first play 
too — I feel sure that he will soar to the top- 
most pinnacle of fame. But I'd better intro- 
duce myself. 

Evelyn. 
Please. 

Miss Ferris. 
I am " The Gentleman's Friend." 

Evelyn. 
{(^uite shocked.'] I beg your pardon. 

Miss Ferris. 
The new paper of that nomenclature. 

Evelyn. 

Oh, yes. How kind of you to come and con- 
gratulate us. 

Miss Ferris. 

\Tliey are hoth seated hy now.'] I am proud 
to have this opportunity of doing so — as an 
Englishwoman — as one who was present on the 
first night of " Glass Houses." I was so excited 
when the author was called that I am told I 
stood up and waved my mouchoir. I dare say 
you saw me. I was in the dress circle. 



10 LADY EPPINGS LAWSUIT 

Evelyn. 
I don't think I saw anything just then. 

Miss Fekeis. 
I was so afraid the papers would mention it 
— but they didn't. 

Evelyn. 
The papers have been so good to us. 

Miss Feeeis. 
All the best critics liked the play. 

Evelyn. 
But better still — all the worst ones <^i«liked it. 

Miss Feeeis. 
I see where your husband gets some of his 
trenchant wit. 

Evelyn. 
Oh, no. He wrote his play all himself. 

Miss Feeeis. 
Really — how interesting — because, as you 
know, whenever a man succeeds the world 
always asks who the woman was. But we 
mustn't sit gossiping. 

Evelyn. 
Why not? 



LADV EP PINGS LA WSUIT 1 1 

Miss Feeeis. 
I am here professionally. 

Evelyn. 
Oh! 

Miss Feeeis. 
To interview your husband. 

Evelyn. 

{Enibarrassed^ Oh, how kind, but unfor- 
tunately he has made it a rule never to be 
interviewed. 

Miss Feeeis. 
But I have an appointment with him. 

Evelyn. 
It must be a mistake. 

Miss Feeeis. 
He made it himself. Yes. He wrote to me 
before he left London and said he would be 
spending Saturday to Monday at Epping House 
and could give me a few minutes after luncheon 
on Sunday if I came down. 

\STie moves to the window. 

Evelyn. 
I'd better go and ask him. Will you excuse 
me? 



12 LABV EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

Miss Ferris. 

{Cheerfully^ Certainly, dear, certainly, 
[Evelyn goes out into the garden. Miss 
Ferris takes out her note-hook and j^encil^ and 
writes in shorthand as she sjpeaks in a dry tone.'\ 
"I was shown into the palatial drawing-room 
at Epping House where Mr. Paul Hughes was 
spending Saturday to Monday as the guest of 
the Earl of Ep]:>ing, and his elegant and ac- 
complished countess. For an hour or so I sat 
chatting with our dramatist's chai'ming wife. 
The time passed so agreeably that I had almost 
forgotten my mission till my eye lit on the 
handsome ormolu clock which adorned the 
mantel. ' Tempus fugit,' I said laughing. 

Mrs. Hughes laughed too, and just then " 

[Paul Hughes enters from the garden 
folloived hy Evelyn. Paul is a 
man about thirty. He looks like any 
other well-dressed., well-hred London 
w^an., and shows no signs of heing an 
anthor either in dress or manner. He 
comes to Miss Ferris and they shake 
hands. 

Paul. 

Good-afternoon. It's very good of you to 
come all this way. I hope you are going to let 
me off easily. 



lad y epping's la wsuit i 3 

Miss Fereis. 
[^Laughing.'] Oh, that's very good. " Let 
me off easily " ; I must jot that down, [^Makes 
a shorthand note.'] " Let me off easily." I 
should like to hear that spoken from the stage. 
[Paul glances at Evelyn and smiles.'] Sup- 
pose we begin. " !No one was more surprised 
than I that the public should see anything in 
my poor little play." 

[She writes in her note-hook. 

Paul. 

[Embarrassed.] Oh — well — if you like. 

Evelyn. 
Paul ! You are not going to let that go in ? 
We always knew you'd have a great success. 

Paul. 
Yes, dear, but that wouldn't look well in an 
interview. [Quickly to Miss Ferris.] Don't 
say I said that. 

Miss Ferris. 
Very well. What decided you to adopt the 
career of a dramatist ? 

Paul. 

Want of cash. 

Evelyn. 
Ambition. [She thumps Paul. 



14 LADY EP PINGS LAWSUIT 

Paul. 

[Hastily.'] Oh, yes — ambition. 

Miss Feeris. 

[ W7'iting.'\ " The fierce devouring flame of 
creation burning within me." 

Paul. 

Don't make it look as if / said that. It 
sounds so silly. Make it look as if you said it. 

Evelyn. 
[ To Paul.] Wouldn't you like to write your 
own interview, Paul ? 

Paul. 
{In a tohisper to Evelyn as Miss Ferris 
writes.'] Take care, dear. All this is going 
into print. I want you to appear as the hum- 
ble and adoring wife of a man of genius. 

Miss Ferris. 
It may truthfully be said " you awoke to find 
yourself famous." 

Evelyn. 
He knew it before he went to sleep. 

Miss Ferris. 
Now something about early struggles. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 1 5 

Paul. 
I'm sorry to say I never starved in a garret. 

Miss Feeeis. 
Just as well. The garret is out of date. 

Paul. 

Of course I worked very hard for ten years 
or so. 

Miss Feeeis. 
[ Wr'itiiig.'] Did ten years' hard labour ! 

Paul. 
[Protesting loudly.'] ^o ! 

Miss Feeeis. 

Of course not. That would make you appear 
too old. Can you recall any amusing incident 
among your early experiences ? 

Paul. 

I — remember one day — when I went fish- 
ing 

EvELYIf. 

Don't attempt it, dear. You are not good at 
stories. 

Miss Feeeis. 
Of course you are besieged by managers ? 



1 6 lady ep ping's lawsuit 

Paul. 
[Looking doubtfully at 'EYB'LYi>i.'] Er . . . 

EvELYJSr. 

[Promptly to Miss Fekeis,] Yes. You can 
put that in. 

Miss Fekris. 
Your favourite flower ? 

Paul. 
The petunia. 

Evelyn. 

[Thuirvping him and irritated.] Oh 1 

Miss Ferris. 
Sports and pastimes ? 

Paul. 
I'm fond of riding. 

[ While Miss Ferris makes a note Eve- 
lyn speaks in an undertone to Paul. 

Evelyn. 
Darling, I think that sounds a little preten- 
tious when you only had your first lesson last 
week. 

Paul. 

Darling, this is my interview. [To Miss 
Ferris.] I'm rather keen on golf. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 17 

Miss Feeris. 
A crack golfsman ! Now we've heard about 
your recreations tell us something about your 
work. Do you write all night, for instance, 
with a wet towel round your head ? 

Paul. 
Of course not. 

Miss Ferris. 
Though we are all so in love with your 
comedy, Mr. Hughes, we hope you are going to 
give us a serious play. 

Paul. 

No one seems to think a play is serious unless 
it's about unpleasant people. However if you'll 
give me time I'll show you some most objec- 
tionable specimens of both sexes, and prove 
that all our English principles are wrong. I 
don't want people to think 1 have no ideas. 

Miss Ferris. 
Are you going to write a classic ? 

Paul. 
You can't write a classic till you are dead. 

Miss Ferris. 
What are your views on the future of the 
British Drama '? 



1 8 lady ep pings lawsuit 

Paul. 

\Cougliing and hracing himself to delwer a 
speech he has evidently got off hy heart. ~\ The 
British Drama is passing through a most critical 
stage. The flippancy of the age and the lateness 
of dinner are dealing death blows at serious, 
thoughtful work. But already we behold 
abundant signs that a brighter epoch is at 
hand. . . . 

Miss Feekis. 

[Quickly interrupting.'] Thank you. Now 
the snapshots. [She goes to the door and calls.] 
Mr. Pearson! 

Evelyn. 
Snapshots ! You are not going to be snapped ? 

Paul. 
It's no use half doing it. 

Evelyn. 

Oh! 

[Enter Me. Peaeson. H^e is a busi- 
nesslike young nuui with a camera. 

Miss Feeeis. 
This is our Mr. Pearson. 



lady epping's lawsuit 1 9 

Paul. 
How d'you do ? 

Miss Ferris. 
Now — standing up in a natural attitude first. 
This is "Good-morning. Glad to see you." 
Look pleasant, please. 

[Paul obeys instructions. Pearson 
snaps Paul with the camera. 

Pearson. 
Thank you. 

Miss Ferris. 
{Pointing to a chair.'] Fling yourself down 
there in a posture of despair for " Oh, dear, I 
can't work to-day somehow." 

Paul. 

[Oheying instructions.'] Will this do? 
[Evelyn laughs. Paul glances at Evelyn 
and laughs.] Don't laugh. I'm trying to look 
like a great thinker. 

Miss Ferris. 
{Arranging Paul in a post^ire of despair 
wuh his head on his hand.] A little more so — 
yes — thank you — let me see — so — ^yes — thank 
you. 

Pearson, 
Ready ? 



20 LADV EP PINGS LAWSUIT 

Paul. 

'M! 

[Pearson snaps the camera at Paul, 
then turns to Miss Feeeis. 

Peaeson. 
One at the books, don't you think ? 

Miss Feeeis. 
Yes. "My silent friends." {To Paul.] 
Stand there, please. ^Points to some hool:s^ 
One hand on the books. Now — smile intelli- 
gently at Mr. Pearson. 

[Paul smiles intelligently at Peaeson. 
Peaeson snaps the camera. 

Peaeson. 
Thank you. 

Miss Feeeis. 
Shall we do one in the garden ? 

[Paul, Miss Feeeis and Peaeson go 
towards the window. EvELYN faces 
them. 

Evelyn. 
Oh, no, Paul. Not where all those people 
can see you. 

Miss Feeeis. 
Just as you like. We can do the one in the 
garden in the house. [She points to the sofa.] 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 21 

Suppose you sit there — in a sprawling summer- 
like attitude. [Paul sprawls on the sofa,'] Mr. 
Pearson will fill in the shrubs and a sun-dial 
afterwards. [She arranges Paul's head and 
jmgers.'] Frown, please. Remember you've 
got the sun in your eyes. [Paul frowns.] 
Very good. 

Peaeson. 
Extremely pretty. [Evelyn shows signs of 
great irritation. Pearson, snapping camera 
at Paul.] Thank you. 

Miss Ferris. 
Now one with your wife. 

Evelyn. 
No I 

Miss Ferris. 
[Joyfully?^ One with the baby. 

[Paul and Evelyn look at each other 
extremely disconcerted. 

Paul. 
It isn't here. 

[Pearson smothers a giggle. Miss 
Ferris frowns at hi/m. 

Miss Ferris. 
Never mind then. I think we have enough, 
so I won't take up any more of your valuable 
time. 



22 lady ep ping's lawsuit 

Paul. 

[ShaJciny hands.'] Good-bye. 

Miss Fereis. 
Good-bye. I am sure the public will be 
deeply impressed by all you've said. Good- 
day, Mrs. Hughes. 

Evelyn. 

[BowingJ] Good-day. 

Miss Ferris. 
Come, Mr. Pearson. 

{^Exit Miss Ferris. Pearson hows and 
follows her off. 

Evelyn. 
Oh, the shame — the humiliation ! 

Paul. 
Nonsense, dear. It's nothing worse than a 
bore. 

Evelyn. 
You loved it. 

Paul. 
\_Idly turning the pages of a hook.] One may 
as well make the best of it. 

Evelyn. 
But in the old days you said that advertising 
one's self with interviews and snapshots was so 
contemptible. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 23 

Paul. 

No one wanted to interview me or snap me 
then. 

Evelyn. 
Don't change, Paul. 

Paul. 

Of course not, dear — but it's not my fault if 
the press wants to make an idol of me. 

Evelyn. 
[Indignantly.'] An idol! You mean an 
Aunt Sally! 

Paul. 
Keally, Evelyn, I don't think you should 
speak so to a public man. With new dignities 
come new duties. They have a right to know 
exactly what I'm like. 

Evelyn. 
Who? 

Paul. 
The people ! 

Evelyn. 
Oh, Paul — how can you talk like that ? The 
other day a monkey was interviewed — think of 
it — a monkey. 



24 LADY EP PINGS LAWSUIT 

Paul. 
They say it has genius. 

Evelyn. 
Don't laugh at me, darling. I'm so anxious 
you should avoid making a fool of yourself. I 
know it's very hard. 

Paul. 
No, dear — it isn't. 

Evelyn. 
I mean for any one who, like you, has been 
no one from nowhere all his life, and is sud- 
denly some one everywhere. Pd rather pig 
along as we used to do than that any one should 
say you have a swollen head. 

Paul. 
Nonsense, dear. I'm not the least bit of a 
snob. 

Evelyn. 
Then what are you doing here ? 

Paul. 

If Lady Epping was kind enough to ask 
us 

Evelyn. 
After meeting us once at a dinner-party. 
It's such nonsense for you and me to be stay_ 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 25 

ing in a house like this — and if you knew how 
the footmen terrify me. 

Paul. 

I feel it just as keenly as you do, but we 
must get used to it. 

Evelyn. 

It'll be the ruin of you if you do. You'll 
forget the humble human people. You'll go 
filling your plays full of dukes and duchesses and 
you'll get so mixed up — you won't know how 
to make them talk to their servants. 

Paul. 

Pm observing all that now. I shall be 
servant-perfect by to-morrow. 

Evelyn. 

If I thought you'd be content with this one 
visit, but I see so well what's going to happen. 
You won't be satisfied with a countess. You'll 
want to stay with a duchess next. Then you 
won't rest till you know royalty, and by and by 
you'll begin to believe you are one of them. 

Paul. 

Don't talk so well, darling, or people wiU 
say you write my plays. 



26 lady ep ping's lawsuit 

Evelyn. 
You won't write any more plays if you go 
on this way. 

Paul. 
A dramatist ought to know all kinds of peo- 
ple, and it's a very good thing for a young 
author to have a rich influential woman like 
Lady EpjDing interested in him. 

Evelyn. 
[^Indignantly. ~\ Paul ! 

Paul. 
There's nothing in that. 

Evelyn. 
You wouldn't lil^e it if I got a rich influen- 
tial man interested in me. 

Paul. 
That's different. [Lady Epping is seen 
through the window.'] Here's Lady Epping. 

[Lady Epping enters. She is an ele- 
gant, dignified looman, with a g7'acious 
and grand manner and a very good 
opinion of herself . She is dressed in the 
latest and most expensive fashion. 

Lady Epping. 
Ah, there you are! [To Evelyn.] I've 
been playing " consequences " with the Judge 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT ^7 

and Lady Beacroft and my little girls, and it 
turned out that I and your husband eloped, 
which set me wondering what had become of 
you. What are you doing in the house — you 
love birds ? 

Paul. 
I've had a wretched woman from a paper to 
interview me. 

Lady Epping. 

We dramatists have to put up with so much 
of that. [Paul and Evelyn look at Lady 
EppijSTG, then at each other. Lady Epping 
looks from one to the other. ~\ I write plays. 

Paul. 
Oh, do you ? 

Evelyn. 
How very interesting ! 

Lady Epping. 
I am told I possess the dramatic instinct to a 
remarkable extent. 

Paul. 
{Politely?^ I'm sure of it. 

Lady Epping. 

[ Very much jpleasedl\ Pm sure, too, if you 
say so. 



28 lady ep ping's lawsuit 

Paul. 

Have you produced many plays, Lady Ep- 
ping? 

Lady Epping. 

Not many, but I nearly had one accepted 
once. 

Evelyn. 
Have you written many ? 

Lady Epping. 
Fifteen. 

Paul. 

Perhaps they are over the heads of the people. 

Lady Epping. 

No, they're not. I've written all kinds — 
tragedies, comedies, great productions, cheap 
productions, plays that give all the actors a 
chance and plays that give none of them a 
chance — except the star ; strong plays, and 
sweet pretty little plays like your " Glass 
Houses." 

Evelyn. 

\Hardly able to conceal Jier indignation.'] 
Lady Epping! "Glass Houses" is a master- 
piece. 



LADY EPPINGS LAWSUIT 29 

Paul. 
Evelyn dear ! 

Lady Epping. 
I don't know what the public want. I don't 
think they know themselves. And as for the 
managers — we all know theij know nothing 
about it. The number of times I've had my 
plays returned. 

Evelyn. 
Paul got a manager for " Glass Houses." 

Lady Epping. 
It's so easy for him. He just gets some ac- 
tress to take a fancy to him, and there you are. 

Paul. 
I never met my leading lady till the re- 
hearsals. 

Lady Epping. 
But you can go behind the scenes and get to 
know these people. Now I can't go hanging 
about bars. 

Paul. 
We don't hang about bars. 

Lady Epping. 
It's so difficult for a woman. They are all 
against us. I never have any luck. 



30 LADY EPPINGS LAWSUIT 

Paul. 

That play which was nearly accepted. Per- 
haps you'll do something with that. 

Lady Epping. 

I was abominably treated. After keeping it 
two weeks they sent it back — and what do you 
think the objection was ? They said I couldn't 
have three outdoor scenes in one act. Why 
not ? Convention, I suppose — just one of those 
silly conventions that keep our stage so far be- 
hind the French. Of course I wasn't going to 
alter my play just to suit an actor, but in the 
end I did. We got as far as talking terms. 
But their ideas ! I suppose they thought that 
as I don't need the money they could get my 
play for notliing. But I held out for what I 
thought was just. I don't think I've any right 
to go and spoil the market. 

Paul. 
Can't you do something else with your play ? 

Lady Epping. 

I had five copies made and sent them to five 
difl'erent actresses. They are all reading it now 
— so they say. I couldn't wait for them to read 
it one after another. They take so long mak- 
ing up their minds. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 3 1 

Paul. 
But suppose they all five accept it together ? 

Lady Epping. 

\Seriously P^ Oh, they won't ! \8miling at 
Evelyn.] I hope it doesn't bore you to hear 
your husband and me comparing notes. 

Evelyn. 
Not at all. 

Lady Epping. 
[Smiluig at Paul.] Would you like me to 
tell you the plot of my last play ? 

Evelyn. 
Please do. 

Lady Epping. 
Well : It's a husband and wife, and he neg- 
lects her for his business, so she flirts with 
another man. That's the first two acts. The 
third is the great act. She comes to his rooms 
late at night, and then her husband comes, so 
she goes behind a curtain. Don't you think 
that's a good plot for a play ? 

[She smiles from one to the other. 

Paul. 
Excellent. 



32 LADY EPPINGS LAWSUIT 

Evelyn. 
Most original ! 

Paul. 
How do you end it ? 

Lady Epping. 

She gets tired of the hollow insincerity of 
the world and goes to the hilltops to contem- 
plate eternity. That's a very beautiful scene. 
I wonder if it's too much like Ibsen to suit the 
British public. {Having made up her tnind to 
alter the end of her play. ^ Perhaps she'd bet- 
ter go to the colonies. I understand the colo- 
nials are more virtuous than we are. [Smiling 
sweetly at Paul.] Why don't you and I col- 
laborate on a play ? 

Paul. 

[Scarcely able to conceal his dismay. '\ Oh, 
no ! 

Evelyn. 

[Trying to help Paul out.'] I'm sure you'd 
regret it, Lady Epping. My nusband has such 
a temper. 

Lady Epping. 
Of course we should quarrel and fight. Col- 
laborators always do. But what does that 
matter if we get our play on in the end ? 



lady ep pings lawsuit h 

Paul. 
I'm sure I couldn't work with any one. 

Lady Epping. 
Yes, you could 

Paul. 
Indeed, no ! 

Lady Epping. 

We'll try it, anyway. 

Paul. 

Oh, but 

{Enter FooTMEN with tea things which 
they put down. They then go out. 

Lady Epping. 
We'll begin after tea. [Lady Epping goes 
to the windoio while Paul confers anxiously 
with Evelyn. Lady Epping, calling into the 
garden.'] Darlings — tea ! ]^Exit Lady Epping.] 
{Enter Miss Berengaeia Mortimer. 
Miss Mortimer is ohviously an ac- 
tress. She is statuesque and handsome, 
and generally affects a languid maimer 
of speaking and moving. She wears a 
jlowing garment and an Empire waist 
— a large picture hat with plumes 
flowing over the shoulders. Her hair 
is loosely done and caught before it 
tumbles hy jewelled comhs a/nd daggers. 



34 LADY EP PINGS LAWSUIT 

EvELYisr. 

Now you see what you've let yourself in for. 

Paul. 

Not before the servants, dear. Ah, here is 
Miss Berengaria Mortimer. 

[Evelyn moves aivay. 



Miss Moetimer 

ien r( 
luncheon 



I've been resting under the trees ever since 



Paul. 
Tired after your two performances yesterday ? 

Miss Mortimer. 

Oh, so, so tired. Let me go on telling you 
of my pet scheme. I want to have a little 
national theatre of my own, where I shall pro- 
duce all the latest French and Sicilian horrors 
— to elevate the English stage. 

Evelyn. 
[By the loindoia.'] I knew the Judge would 
hurry in at the sound of tea — with that little 
barrister yapping at his heels. 

Paul. 

Who? 



lady ep ping's lawsuit 3$ 

Evelyn. 

Mr. Clinton Perry, 

{Enter Judge Wray and Clinton 
Perry. Wray is an elderly man 
of temperament, peevish and gay hy 
turns and very gallant to ladies. He 
has a red, clean-shaven face. Perry 
is a conceited, clever young harrister. 
He is engaging Wray in conversation 
against his will as they enter. Enter 
also Lord Oswald Bruce-Banner- 

MAN. 

Perry. 

But don't you think, my dear Judge, that in 
the interests of society — there ought to be a 
new court of criminal appeal ? More liberal in 
its tendencies ? 

Wray. 

Young man, I never talk shop on a Sunday. 
Miss Mortimer — what a sad pity you couldn't 
come down till this morning. [Exit Paul. 

Miss Mortimer. 
My work claimed me — my art. 

Wray. 
The party was dragging dreadfully till you 
came. 



36 lady eppings lawsuit 

Peery. 
{Hovering about Wray and Miss Morti- 
mer.] I always think an actress helps things 
along so. 

Miss Mortimer. 
I seldom go to country houses. I shouldn't 
be here now only I'm going to act in America 
soon, and it helps you so much in the States if 
they know you are in society. They'll all come 
to see me when they hear I've stayed at Epping 
House. 

Perry. 
Is your real name Berengaria ? 

Wray. 

Young man, Miss Mortimer is not one of 
your witnesses. {To Miss Mortimer.] What 
a sweet name — Berengaria ! 

\_He ;pats her hand. 

Miss Mortimer. 
I don't care so much about the Beren — but I 
love the Garia. It sounds so remote — like 
sighing winds — Garia. 

Wray. 

{Trying to make his voice sound like sighing 
winds.'] Garia! Shall we go there — by the 
window ? 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 37 

Miss Mortimer. 
I should love it. 

Wray. 

[As he goes to the window with Miss Morti- 
mer.] Garia ! {V^'KRY follows tliem. 

Perry. 

Did I tell you my story about the magistrate 
and the washerwoman ? 

Wray. 
Young man, I am about to relate an anecdote 
myself. 

Perry. 
\To Evelyn and Oswald.] Gay old bird ! 
{Enter Lady Lucy Lister and Miss Van- 
DERHIDE from the garden. Lucy is a smart., 
pretty, frivolous little spinster. Miss Yan- 
DERHIDE is a large handsome American girl 
with a good figure, faidtlessly dressed. She uses 
a lorgnette constantly and cultivates a slow., 
supercilious ma/nner and speaks carefully to 
try and overcome her American accent. Perry 
meets them.'\ Well, girls ! 

Lucy. 
[Sharply.'] Don't call us girls. You don't 
know us nearly well enough. 



38 LADY EPPINGS LAWSUIT 

Perry. 

l^Tmjportantly.'] I've been talking to the 
actress. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
[Looking at Evelyn throtigh her lor'gnette.'] 
That woman talking to Lord Oswald is some- 
thing of that sort, isn't she ? 

Lucy. 

No, that's Mrs. Hughes — the new dramatist's 
wife. 

Miss Yanderhide. 

How odd your English society is ! One 
never know^s whom one will meet next. We're 
much more exclusive in Ncav York. Our old 
families won't mix at all with the nouveaux 
riches. 

Lucy. 

I think it's rather a scandal the way Lord 
Oswald runs after Mrs. Hughes. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
Does he ? I hadn't notussed. 

[She moves aivay and joins Wray and 
Miss Mortimer. 

Perry. 
I say, Lady Lucy, you have put your foot 
in it. 



LADV EPPING'S LAWSUIT 39 

Lucy. 
Why ? What have I said ? 

Perry. 
Lord Oswald is supposed to be after her, — 
the American— Miss Yanderhide. Of course 
when she came down she expected he'd be de- 
voted to her. 

Lucy. 
And he spends all his time talking to Mrs. 
Hughes. What fun ! 

Perry. 
Lady Epping is furious about it. 

Lucy. 
Why? 

Perry. 

Oswald Bruce-Bannerman is her brother, you 
know. 

Lucy. 
Of course I know. 

Perry. 
Well, I suppose she wants to have the Yan- 
derhide milhons in the family. 

Lucy. 
Oh, I see. Then Lady Epping and Miss 
Yanderhide are both in a rage. How amus- 



40 LADV EP PINGS LAWSUIT 

ing! I shall watch it all going on. I'm so 
glad I came. 

[Reenter Lady Epping with Lady Bea- 
CEOFT and F xvi, followiiig her. 

Lady Epping. 
[Severely.'] Oswald. [Then sweetly.'] Os- 
wald, darling. 

Oswald. 
[Turning to Lady Epping.] "What is it ? 

Lady Epping. 
I want a word with you. [Oswald goes to 
Lady Epping. She slips her arm through his 
affectionately^ then says severely.] You are 
jeopardizing your whole future by flirting with 
Mrs. Hughes, after I've spent my valuable time 
and thought trying to throw you and Ollie 
Vanderhide together. Go and talk to Ollie 
and don't leave her till we've done tea. 

Oswald. 
You know, Flora — you do bully me. 

[Oswald goes to Miss Vanderhide. 
Enter Lord Epping and Rev. Dr. 
Gull. They come in from tJie 
garden as Dr. Gull speaks. Lord 
Epping is a smart military looking 
man about forty-Jive. He is politely 
hored hy Dr. Gull and all the party. 



LADV EP PING'S LAWSUIT 4 1 

Dr. Gull is a middle-aged Scotch 
divine^ dressed as a Nonconformist 
minister. He speaks with a coarse 
Scotch accent y emphasizing his words 
with uncouth gesture. 

Dr. Gull. 
The Sawbath is the Sawbath, my lord, 
whether ye be in Scotland or whether ye be in 
England. The Sawbath is the Sawbath. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, look at my poor husband talking to that 
dreadful Dr. Gull. I thought I was so fortu- 
nate to secure the Caledonian Missionary for 
one of my parties, but he's such an awful bore. 

Lucy. 
Oh, but he's so funny when he eats fish. 

Lady Epping. 
{Reproaching Lucy severely?^ Lucy dear, I 
don't think you should speak like that of one 
of my guests. 

Oswald. 
It's so like you, Flora, to ask a missionary to 
meet us. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
{Looking at Dr. Gull throtigh her lorgnette ^^ 
He wouldn't be received in New York. 



42 LADY EP PINGS LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
Don't say that, Ollie. It sounds silly. You 
have very good hotels in New York, and you 
have your tall sky-scraper buildings, and your 
telephones are much better than ours. But 
that's all — you have nothing else. {Calling 7\ 
Dr. Gull ! {Tmms to Miss Mortimer.] Berry ! 
[Dr. Gull comes towards Lady Epping. 

Miss Mortimer, 
{Coming towards Lady Epping.] Darling 
one. 

Lady Epping. 
I want to introduce Dr. Gull, the famous 
Caledonian Missionary, Miss Berengaria Mor- 
timer, the celebrated actress. 

[Dr. Gull arid Miss Mortimer shaTce 
hands. 

Lucy. 
Church and stage — how sweet ! 

Lady Epping. 
Take him over there. Berry, and give him a 
scone. {They move away.] Come here, Mr. 
Perry. I want you to pass cups. [Perry 
conies to her.] You too, Mr. Hughes. [Paul 
goes to the tea table.] All the young men. 

Wray. 
Of course, of course. 

[Wray hurries to the tea table also. 



LADY EP PINGS LAWSUIT 43 

Perry. 

\To Wray.] Don't you think there was a 
serious miscarriage of justice in the Pimlico 
murder trial ? 

Wray. 

Young man, I am about to have my tea. 
[Lady Epping gives a cup of tea to Wray, 
who takes a jpiece of cake and his tea and goes 
to the sofa where he sits hetween Lady Bea- 
CROFT and Lucy. Wray, laughing and leer- 
ing at them.'] A rose between two thorns. 
{They all three laugh. Perry brings two cups 
of tea to the sofa., giving one to Lady Beacroft 
and the otiier to Lucy. He then goes hack to the 
tea table. Wray fixes Perry with a scowl while 
he hands the cups and until his neck will turn 
round 710 further. Wray, laughing and leering 
as before.'] How happy could I be with either 
were t'other dear charmer away. {They all 
three laugh as before. Perry brings the sugar 
and creain^ and the same irritation of Wray 
takes place. Perry returns to the table. Wray, 
laughing and leering as before.] Three's com- 
pany, four's none. {They all three laugh as 
before. Perry brings tJie cake-stand. Again 
the annoyance of Wray. Wray, after he has 
gofie.] I hope he won't come and sit on the 
sofa with us ! 

[Lady Epping gives Perry two cups 



44 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

of tea, and says, " Give this to Mrs. 
Hughes^ Perry moves to do so, and 
Wray says '■''Spread yourselves.''^ 
Perry goes to Evelyn and giving 
her a cup sits heside her. 

Lady Epping. 
[Calling to Paul.] Come here, Mr. Hughes. 
The two dramatists 7nust sit together. [Paul 
comes and sits by her. She then announces to 
the room.^ Mr. Hughes and I are going to 
collaborate on a play. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Oh, will there be a part for me ? 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, yes. We must give Berry a part. 

Miss Mortimer. 
A pathetic little servant maid with smuts on 
her face. That's the kind of part I've always 
longed to play, but they will make me be 
queens. 

Wray. 
What's the play going to be about. Lady 
Epping ? 

Lady Epping. 
[Seriously.'] We are going to scourge society. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 45 

Lucy. 

[Swipering.] Oh, how amusing ! I shall 
love that. 

Lady Epping. 

You won't find it at all amusing, Lucy. It's 
to be a serious attack on the smart set. 

Wray. 

Which vice are you going for ? Same old 
thing ? Bridge ? 

Lady Epping. 
That's not been decided. It's easy enough to 
get a vice. I think there are several things 
about us which might be improved. 

Dr. Gull. 
[JEarnestly.'] Amen ! 

Lucy. 
Did you hear Dr. Gull say " Amen " ? How 

sweet ! 

Wray. 
\To Lady Beacroft and Lucy.] Shall we 
three go and play the pianola ? 

Lady Eppiistg. 
You can't have the music room ; Dr. Gull is 
going to sing hymns there with the servants 
after tea. 



46 LADY EP PINGS LAWSUIT 

Lucy. 

Oh, how darling ! Hymns on Sunday after- 
noon — so origmal ! 

Lady Epping. 

{Graciously to Dk. Gull.] I shall try to 
come in for a verse or two, Dr. Gull. 

Wray. 

We'll all come. Won't you come and sing 
hymns, Miss Yanderhide ? 

Miss Yanderhide. 
No, thanks. I prefer croquet. 

Lady Epping. 

\To Paul.] While they are at their hymns 
you and I will begin our play. 

Paul. 

{Ennba'rrassed?^ Oh, but 



Lady Epping. 

{Cheerfully?^ Yes, yes. I feel just in the 
mood for it. 

Dr. Gull. 

Your leddyship wouldna' write a drama on 
the Sawbath ? 



LADY EPPINGS LAWSUIT 47 

Lady Epping. 

"Why not? I must express myself when I 
feel in the humour, like the Judge in his legal 
work or you in your religious work. It's all 
the same. 

Dr. Gull. 

{Bringing hisjist heavily down on the tea tray 
and shouting.'] The kirk is no the same as the 
theayter. 

{They all raise their eyebrows a/nd look 
towards Dr. Gull in well-bred sur- 
prise. There is silence. 

Lady Epping. 

[ Very politely to Dr. Gull.] Dr. Gull, the 
servants will be waiting for you. You know 
which the music room is, do you not ? 

Dr. Gull. 
I thought I were in England, but I see that 
I'm e'en in the city of Babylon. 

{Exit Dr. Gull. 

Wray. 

{Springing up indignantly.] Bedlam ! Did 
he call us Bedlam ? 

Lady Epping. 
Babylon. 



48 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Wray. 
Oh ! Because if he'd said Bedlam I should 
have retaliated. I don't know what I should 
have said, but I should have said something. 

Lady Epping. 
\To Miss Mortimer, wJw is following Dr. 
Gull.] You needn't go and sing hymns, Berry. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Dearest one, I should like to. I want to study 
the servants' expressions. 

\_Exit Miss Mortimer. 

Perry. 
[ Offering his case.'] Have a cigarette, Judge ? 

Wray. 
Young man, I never smoke. 

[He moves away from Perry. 

Lady Beacroft. 
Mr. Hughes, Mr. Hughes, do come and talk 
to us. [Paul takes Wray's place between 
them.'] Tell us all about first nights. 

Lucy. 
Do you come before the curtain and make a 
bow? 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 49 

Paul. 
That depends upon the audience. 

Lady Beacroft. 
I write plays. 

Paul. 
Do you ? 

{He snatches Lady Beacroft's cwj9, 
jputs it on the table and is about to es- 
cape, when Lady Epping speaks. 

Lady Epping. 
Don't run away, Mr. Hughes. {Enter two 
Footmen to clear away the tea things J] We are 

foing to begin the play now. {To John.] 
ohn, will you ask Mrs. Pitt to send me my box 
of plays — the large black tin box ? 

John. 
Yes, my lady. 

{Exit John and the other footrmm. 

Lord Epping. 
Going to write plays ? Then you won't need 
me any more ! 

{Exit Lord Epping into the garden. 

Lady Beacroft. 
{To Wray.] Judge, Judge, are you ready 
to take me for a walk ? 



50 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Wray. 
With pleasure, Lady Beacroft. We might 
take Lord Epping with us. I think some one 
should take a little notice of our poor host. 

{Exeunt Wray and Lady Beacroft 
through the window. 

Paul. 

\To Evelyn.] Will you come for a walk 
with me ? 

Evelyn. 
But you are going to collaborate with Lady 
Epping. 

Paul. 
No. Let us go for a walk. 

Lady Epping, 
Oswald darling, take Miss Vanderhide for a 
stroll. 

Oswald. 
I'm going for a walk with Mrs. Hughes. 

{Exeunt Evelyn and Oswald. 

Miss Vanderhide. 
I hadn't the slightest desire to go for a walk. 

Lady Epping. 
{In a whisiyer to Miss Vanderhide.] He's 
only flirting with Mrs. Hughes to make you 
jealous. 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 5 1 

Miss Yandekhide. 
I presume so. 

Lady Epping. 
You mustn't mind. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
I'm amused. Mr. Perry, would you like to 
play me at croquet ? 

Perry. 

I haven't got my croquet suit on, but if you 
don't mind my playing with you like this. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
Oh, you look perfectly sweet as you are. 
{Exeunt Miss Yanderhide V/i-(i Perry. 

Lucy. 
Oh, I'm forgetting all about the hymns. 
{Putting down a magazine she has heen read- 
ing.^ Do look in at us. Flora. Dr. Gull is 
sure to beat time with his arms and legs. So 
sweet ! {^Exit Lucy, r. 

Lady Eppiistg. 

What a pity Lucy is so silly. I think she's 
getting worse. {Enter John with the hox of 
plays lohich he puts on the floor and then exits.] 
Put it down there on the iloor. Now we can 
get on with our play. 



52 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Paul. 
\In distress.'] I don't think I can work to- 
day, Lady Epping. 

Lady Epping. 
[^Cheerfully.'] Oh, yes, you can, if you give 
your mind to it. 

Paul. 
I haven't an idea in my head. 

Lady Epping. 
Neither have I ; but that's the advantage of 
collaboration. We stimulate each other. Now, 
let us see if there isn't something here that we 
could work up. [She kneels behind the box, 
(ypens it and begins burrowing among the nianu- 
scrijpts. On the lid of the box a large Comites^ 
coroixet is painted in white. Paul sits loatch- 
ing her. Lady Epping reads the titles of some 
of her plays as she picks them out of the box and 
puts them back again.] " The Insubordination 
of Laura," "The Tower of Babel," "Little 
Tummj^-Sit-in-the-Pan " — that's a play for 
children — " Two Sins and a Woman." [Re- 
taining " Two Sins and a 'Woman.''''] This is 
my last play — the one I told you the plot of. 
It's full of bright lines. Listen to this. It's 
the Duke of Vere's first meeting with Lady 
Dorincourt. The Duke ^i^i^Q— [reading.] " B}" 
gad, as fine a woman as ever I set eyes on." 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 53 

[To Paul.] There's quite a masculine touch 
about my work, isn't there ? [^Reading. ~] Lady 
Dorincourt aside — " I feel some strange mis- 
giving clutching at my heart-strings. If this 
fascinating and mysterious man has been sent 
to lure me away from the straight path which 
the world has hewn for us poor women to walk 
in, I fear he may be successful." {Smiling at 
Paul.] That's the way 1 prepare for the de- 
nouement. {Reading^ " If one will not ven- 
ture, one is not likely to have." \To Paul.] 
That's an epigram. [Paul Twds his head. 
Beading.'] Lady Dorincourt. " Ah me ! " 
The Duke of Yere, who lives half the year in 
Eome — "Amico mio!" [To Paul.] A play 
upon words, you see. 

Paul. 

Oh! 

Lady Epping. 

I hope it is not too subtle for the British 
public. They can't understand anything un- 
less you give it them straight from the shoulder. 
We'd better not give them this play till we've 
educated them up to it. [Throwing " Two Sins 
and a Woman " into the box and taking out an- 
other. She reads the title.] "The Penalty of 
Passion." That's so strong. I'll read you an 
extract from the last act. {The " Penalty of 
Passion'''^ is a serious poetic jplay, so Lady 



54 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Epping 7'eads it with reoe/'erice, hut also with 
dramatic emphasis^ clearly portraying the 
'merciless tyrant in NorheUVs part arid the 
hapless queen in Vaneshla''s. She reads the stage 
directions revereritly.l^ " Queen Vaneslila is 
lying on a bed of straw in the dungeon. It is 
midnight. Clock strikes ten. Nuns are heard 
singing Mass in the distance. Enter King 
Norheld. 

'"Is that the queen who lies so very still? 

Is that Vaueshla, once my bride so fair ? 

Dost thou not hear me? 'Tis King Norheld 

speaks. 
Hast lost thy tongue — you saucy baggage you ? ' 

{^Reading stage direction.'] Drags Yaneshla 
round dungeon by hair of head." {Explaining 
to Paul.] Of course she'll have to wear a wig. 
\Continumg the reading of VanesldcCs part.] 

"'Oh, spare me, sire! Oh, spare thy hapless 

queen ! 
Vaueshla weeps. Vaneshla loves her lord : 
Cau innocence and beauty wed with sin ? ' " 

[Lady Epping hecomes so moved hy the pathos 
of the scene that tears chohe her titterance.'] 
That's so touching, isn't it ? [Paul laughs 
stupidly. Her eyes fall on a farce called 
" Clapham Flats.'''' She screams with laioghter, 



, LAD V EF PINGS LA WSUIT 5 5 

throws " The Penalty of Passion " into the hox, 
and takes out " Cla'pham Flats " screaming 
with laughter as she says.\ Oh, "Clapham 
Flats ! " Such a funny farce ! I must read you 
one passage. They push the cook into the 

boiler, and the cook says [She breaks into 

fresh peals of laughter, then calms herself 

enough to sayl] The cook says [Fresh 

peals of laughter. She gives the manuscri^A to 
Paul, showing him the place to read, then stag- 
gers towards thewindoio in fits of tincontrollahle 
laughter. Paul 7'eads the manuscript without 
smiling. Wlien Lady Eppii^g has recovered 
her co'mp)Osure she wipes her eyes and comes 
hack to him, speaking in the husky voice one is 
left with after such laughter.'] Oh, dear, I'd 
forgotten " Clapham Flats " was so fun-ny. 
[She watches Paul reading the mamLScript he- 
fore she says.] You are not laughing at all, 
and I thought you had such a sense of humour, 

Paul. 
Let me put them away. 

[JSe gets the hox a/ndputs it upon a chair. 

Lady Epping. 
Now ! YouVe seen several examples of my 
work. I want your candid opinion. 

Paul. 
[Embarrassed.] It's full of clever things. 



56 lady ep ping's lawsuit 

Lady Epping. 

[Smiling.'] I thought you'd like it. 

Paul. 
But I should say — on the whole — it is scarcely 
up to the necessary standard. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, I don't agree with you. Look at the 
stuff they put on the stage. 

Paul. 

[Turning over " Clapha/m Flats^] You see 
the play is so short. 

Lady Epping. 
That's an advantage. Every one will come 
in time if we begin late enough. 

Paul. 
And then again 

Lady Epping. 
[Taking the manuscript from Paul and hug- 
ging it^ I'm sorry you don't like my work, 
[Turning the jxige^'i.'] I did think you'd be able 
to see something in it, but you do nothing but 
pick it to pieces. 

Paul. 
It seems to me you are wasting yourself on 
literature. You have so many brilliant gifts. 



LADY EP PINGS LAWSUIT 5/ 

Lady Epping. 

[ Very ^pleased^ she turns to Paul smilingh/.'] 
Tell me what you think my best points are. 

Paul. 
[^Eniba/rrassed.'] I hardly like to. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, why ? Friends should always be candid. 

Paul. 

[Smilmg at her.'] Friends ! 

\_IIe leans towards Lady Epping am^d 
puts his hand near hers. 

Lady Epping. 

[ Withdrawing her hand.] You mustn't get 
silly about me. Now ! What shall our play 
be about ? 

Paul. 

[ With the hushy voice of pretended jMssion.] 
I can't think of work when I'm near you. 

[He folds his arms and looks at Lady 
Epping through half -closed eyes. 

Lady Epping. 

[Sentitnentally.'] I'm sorry. I hoped we 
should be able to work sensibly together. 



58 LADV EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Paul. 

\^Ardently.'\ I can't work sensibly with you. 
llle seizes Lady Epping in his arms.] 

[Miter Evelyn quickly from the garden. 
She hurries forward. 

Lady Epping. 

[Escapmg from Paul's einhrace.] Mr. 
Hughes, you forget where you are. 

Evelyn. 

[In horror.] Paul ! 

Lady Epping. 

Oh ! [Speaking and gesticulating in an in- 
tensely melodramatic fashion.] Lost ! Lost ! 
A lost woman forevermore. [Turns to Evelyn 
smiling pleasantly.] We are rehearsing our 
play. 

[She strolls into the garden. 

Evelyn. 

[JbPAUL.] Show me the manuscript. [Paul 
picks up the manusc7'iypt of " Clapham Flats.'"'] 
Show me the place where it says " Lost, lost, a 
lost woman forevermore." [Paul tu7ms the 
pages in agitation.] There isn't such a line, is 
there ? 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 59 

Paul. 
There may be. I shouldn't be at all sur- 
prised. 

Evelyn. 
{Reproachfully ?[ Oh, Paul ! I didn't think 
you'd do that. 

Paul. 
Evelyn, let me explain. 

Evelyn. 
You had her in your arms. 

Paul. 
In a way. 

Evelyn. 
You were making love to her. 

Paul. 
In a way. 

Evelyn. 
Well — how are j^ou going to explain that ? 

Paul. 

This way ; she would try and collaborate 
with me, so — to keep her mind off it — I began 
to make love to her. It was the only thing 
to do. 



6o LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Evelyn. 

[ With decision.'] We must leave this house 
at once. 

Paul. 
Oh, my dear. That's impossible. 

Evelyn. 
rm going, if you aren't. 

Paul. 

There's nothing in it. She's a little flattered. 
That's all. You don't think I'm really in love 
with her ! 

Evelyn. 

That's not the point. The point is this ; I've 
been out for a walk with Lord Oswald Bruoe- 
Bannerman, and he kissed me. 

Paul. 

The brute ! I'll wring his neck. 

[Lady Epping wppears again at the 
window. 

Evelyn. 
Shall we leave at once ? 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 6 1 

Paul. 
Yes. You shan't stay here another minute. 
Lady Epping ! [Lady Epping stej)s into the 
room. She is 'dery dignified and gracious^ My 
wife and I are so very sorry, but we must say 
good-bye. 

Lady Epping. 
{Raising her eyebrows slightly. '\ Oh ! 

Evelyn. 
At once. 

Paul. 
"We thank you very much for asking us here. 

Evelyn. 
Good-bye. 

Paul. 
{^Offering his hand.'] Good-bye. 

Lady Epping. 

This is rather sudden. You have not told me 
why you must go. 

Paul. 
[Mnharrassed.'] I — I think I'd better not. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh — but don't you think you should ? 



62 lady ep ping's laivsl/it 

Evelyn. 
"We can't. 

Lady Epping. 

But I shall be afraid that we have unintention- 
ally offended you. I think it would be kinder 
if you explained your hurried departure. 

[Paul hesitates and looks at Evelyn. 

Evelyn. 
You explain while I pack. [She goes out. 

Lady Epping. 
Did your wife observe your indiscretion ? 

Paul. 
Yes. 

Lady Epping. 

And believe my explanation ? 

Paul. 

No! 

Lady Epping. 
That is the reason you are — running away ? 

Paul. 
One of the reasons. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 63 

Lady Epping. 

It doesn't seem to have entered your head to 
consider me. 

Paul. 
You? 

Lady Epping. 

She'll go and tell everybody why she left the 
house. Because she found her husband making 
love to Lady Epping. Don't you see — don't 
you see what a position you have placed me in ? 

Paul. 
I'm very sorry. 

Lady Epping. 
Sorry ! That won't do at all. 

Paul. 
Is Lord Epping a jealous man ? [Lady Ep- 
ping raises her eyebrows and stares at Paul, un- 
til he hecomes ashamed of having asked the ques- 
tion.'] I beg your pardon ! I wonder what we 
had better do ? 

Lady Epping. 
I don't. I know. You will have the good- 
ness to go to your wife and to tell her that you 
have committed a very great breach of propri- 



64 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

ety. You will say that you lost your head — or 
whatever you like — and that I was very much 
surprised. You will tell her that you apologized 
to me and that I have so far overlooked your 
behaviour as to ask you to continue your visit 
until to-morrow morning when it terminates 
naturally. And you will forbid her to say any- 
thing about what she saw — if you please. 

lEnter Evelyn. 

Evelyn. 
Aren't you coming, Paul ? 

Lady Epping. 
[Smiling.'] Now I must go and look after 
my other guests. 

[She goes up leisurely and st/rolls off into 
the garden. 

Evelyn. 
Are you ready ? 

Paul. 

[Thoughtfully.'] Evelyn — if we go at once 
— it'll look so funny. I was only pretending to 
make love to Lady Epping, and of course she 
was quite above lending herself to anything of 
the sort. 

Evelyn. 
[Maliciously.'] Yes, I saw she didn't like it 



lady ep pings lawsuit 65 

Paul. 

She has treated the matter as a woman of 
the world would, told me not to be so silly, and 
asked us to stay on. 

Evelyn. 
What about Lord Oswald kissing me f 

Paul. 

Let it be a lesson to you. Don't let your 
unsophistication lead you into any such mistake 
again. 

Evelyn. 

My mistake was telling you. That's where 
my unsophistication came in. 

Paul. 

{Shocked?)^ Evelyn ! You surprise me ! 

Evelyn. 

You can't have everything, Paul, You can 
consider Lady Epping first or you can consider 
me first — whichever you like. 

Paul. 
I think we must stay. 



66 LADY EPPINGS LAWSUIT 

Evelyn. 

{Airily 7^ Yery well; and if that wicked 
attractive Lord Oswald begins any more of his 
nonsense — 

Paul. 
{Losing his temper.] Evelyn ! 

Evelyn. 
[Airily. '\ I shall know what to do. 

Paul. 
You are only doing this to exasperate me, but 
I'm not the least exasperated, and I wish you 
wouldn't do it. {He looks very glum. 

Evelyn. 

{Flippantly to cover her annoyance.'] Seri- 
ously, Paul, I think you are mighty sensible to 
stay on. We should look so very unsophisti- 
cated if we ran away. Of course it will be 
embarrassing for you after making such an 
unspeakable faux pas — making love to Lady 
Epping in front of all those windows. Oh, 
Paul — you really must learn better. "We went 
behind a shed. 

Paul. 
{Indignantly.] Stop it ! 

[Lady Epping a/)id Oswald are seen 
coming up the ga/rden. 



LADV EP PING'S LAWSUIT 67 

Evelyn. 

There's Lady Epping with Lord Oswald. 
She has forgiven you — well — I must forgive 
him. 

[Lady Eppijstg enters the room. Os- 
wald remains at the window. 

Lady Epping. 
I've just been through three of the croquet 
hoops and had a hymn with Dr. Gull, and here 
I am. 

Evelyn. 
I will leave you to talk to my husband, Lady 
Epping. Will you walk with me to the lake, 
Lord Oswald ? 

Oswald. 

Certainly ; haven't you seen the lake ? 

Evelyn. 
[ITissing her finger tijps to Paul.] Bye bye, 
Paul. [Exeunt Evelyn and Oswald. 

Lady Epping. 

Well — is it all right now ? Are you stay- 
ing ? 

Paul. 
Yes, thank you. Lady Epping — until to- 
morrow. 



68 lady ep pings lawsuit 

Lady Epping. 

[Graciotisli/.] And now — remember what I 
told you — don't get silly about me. 

Paul. 
No, Lady Epping. 

Lady Epping. 

Not too silly. 

Paul. 

[Giving one gasp of surprise he fore he says.] 
I — I apologize. 

Lady Epping. 

I ought to be angry with you, but — [offering 
her hand to Paul] let us be friends. 

Paul. 

[Grasping it.] Thank you. 

Lady Epping. 

[Looking down at their clasped hamds, she 
says coquettishly.] You are hurting my hand. 

Paul. 

[Embarrassed.] I beg your pardon. 

[He releases her hand. 



LADY EP ping's LAWSUIT 69 

Lady Epping. 

[ Watching him^ siniling, then saying gra/oely.'\ 
I don't want you to feel I'm displeased with 
you. [SJie again holds out her handJ] Friends ? 

Paul. 

{Taking her hand, smiling, as he says.'] 
Friends. 

Lady Epping. 
{Loolcing down at their clasped hands."] Yes. 
That's better. {Sentimentally.] I wonder 
whether a man and a woman really can be — 
friends ? 

Paul. 
Why not ? 

Lady Epping. 
After a man has spoken to a woman as you 
have spoken to me ? 

Paul. 

{TT0u})led?\ Please forget my indiscretion, 
Lady Epping. 

{He attemj^ts to move away, hut she 
draws him hack. 

Lady Epping. 
That's it. She can't quite forget. The situa- 
tion isn't quite the same. But I hope we shall 
be friends, or — {smiling coquettishly at him] 
just a little more ? 



70 LAW EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Paul. 
[Embarrassed.'] Oh — ^yes. 

Lady Epping. 

A very little more. \_She drops Paul's hand 
and glances at the windows.] We mustn't be 
too long alone together. [She goes to the 
window then turns to say to him.] A little 
more than friends. 

[She nods and smiles at FavJj, then goes 
out. Paul stands gaping. 

Paul. 
Oh, lor ! [He sinks down on a chair. 



OUETAIN 



THE SECOND ACT 

SCENE. — The library of the Eppings^ house in 
Berkeley Square, The furniture and hang- 
ings are handsome and sombre. 

It is in the middle of the afternoon of a day at the 
end of September^ a few weeks later than the 
first act. 

Lord Epping is lying on the sofa fast asleep. 
Enter Henky, a footman. Heney is fol- 
lowed by Lady Lucy Lister and Miss 
Vandekhide. Lord Epping wakes with 
a start, rubs his eyes and rises. Henry 
goes out. 

Lucy. 
Epping ! I do believe you were fast asleep. 
[Lord Epping shakes hands loith Lucy, 
then with Miss Vanderhide. 

Lord Epping. 
I was. I travelled from Scotland last night 
with my wife. How are you ? 

Miss Vanderhide. 
Well, thank you. 



72 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

LUOT. 
Flora said you would be home to-day and on 
my way here I met Miss Vanderhide ^Aopping 
in Bond Street — so I made her come with me. 

LoED Epping. 
I'm sorry this is the only room that's fit to 
sit in, but half the house is shut up still. We 
are not supposed to be in London yet. 

Lucy. 
"We don't mind. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
I suppose you had a perfectly lovely time in 
Scotland. 

Lord Epping. 
It was all right. We've been staying at 
Cookie Castle with the Duke — my wife's fa- 
ther. My wife got up some theatricals. She 
had that man — what's his name — the one who 
wrote " Glass Houses " to help her. 

Lucy. 
Mr. Hughes. 

Lord Epping. 
Yes — nice fellow — do you know him ? 



LADV EP PING'S LAWSUIT 73 

Lucy. 
Of course. I met him at Epping House, just 
before we all left London. 

LoED Epping. 
Oh, did you ? I can't remember half the 
people we have there. Such conglomerations 
as Flora gathers about her every Saturday to 
Monday ! 

Miss Vaistderhide. 
[Pointedli/.] Was Ifrs. Hughes in Scotland 
too? 

Lord Epping. 
[Carelessly.^ No — he came without her. 

[ Yawns. 

Lucy. 
[To Miss Yanderhide hehind Lord Ep- 
ping's hach?^ What did I tell you ? 

Miss Vanderhide. 
It's a scandal. 

Lord Epping. 

[Having recovered from his yawn, and turn- 
ing to them.^ I beg your pardon. I didn't 
have a wink of sleep all night. 

Miss Vanderhide. 
You look exhausted. 



74 LADy EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Lord Epping. 
Simply dead beat. 

Lucy. 
/ can sleep Jea-wtif ullj in the train. 

Lord Epping. 
So can I. But about midnight Flora thought 
of a plot for a play — something about a foreign 
princess who wants to marry an Englishman 
but for state reasons she can't. They all had 
red hair and lived in a made-up place called 
Puritania. So tiresome when you want to go 
to sleep. 

Lucy. 

Poor Epping — and j^co^ Flora. She must be 
more exhausted still. 

{Enter Lady Epping, gaily cmd vigor- 
ously. She is in her outdoor clothes. 

Lady Epping. 
Well, dears, have you been waiting for me a 
very long time ? I've had such a busy after- 
noon. How are you, Ollie ? {Kissing her.'] 
Handsomer than ever. I've been to Peck- 
ham {Kissing LucY.] Well, Lucy dar- 
ling. What a sweetlj^ pretty hat ! — to open 
some baths. A most interesting ceremony. I 
made a speech. {To Lord Epping.] You 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 75 

ought to have been there to hear the compli- 
ments the Mayor paid me. [Lord Epping, 

his eyes closed, nods his head and moans. She 
addresses the others.'] Has he been telling you 
what a splendid time we had in Scotland ? All 
the children fell ill together and / nursed them. 
We shot all day and played no end of hockey, 
and had the most amusing rehearsals for our 
theatricals. / played the leading part. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
Did Mr. Hughes play the lover ? 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, I see. Epping has told you all about it. 

\^She sits at a desk. Lucy and, Miss Van- 
DEEHIDE nod their heads knowingly to each 
other P^ I must write a few letters, but I can 
talk at the same time. 

\She writes very fast. Lord Epping, 
his eyes still closed., stumbles in his 
sleep. Lucy looTts at him. 

Lucy. 
Did you see him going to sleep standing up ? 
How sweet ! 

Lord Epping. 
I really think I must go and lie down. 



76 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
Poor old thing ! {Exit Lord Epping. As 
she writes.] Gossip away, darlings. Tell me 
all the news. 

Miss Vanderhide. 
[Solemnly. 1 Vin going back to Amurica to- 
morrer. 

Lady Epping. 
Tired of us, OUie ? 

Miss Vanderhide. 
I don't object to England — though of course 
it's not Parus — but I've practically made up my 
mind to marry an Amurican. 

Lady Epping. 

\Stops writing and says in dismay. ] Oh I 
[Graciously.'] I hope you will be very happy. 

Miss Vanderhide. 
I've not settled on him yet. 

Lady Epping. 
Ah! 

Lucy. 
But you've made up your mind to go back ? 

Miss Vanderhide. 
I shall come over sometimes for Ascut, or 
Cowes. 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 77 

Lucy. 

With your American husband ? 

Miss Yandekhide. 
"We generally leave them behind. 

[Lady Eppinq rises. 

Lucy. 
May / write a letter ? 

Lady Epping. 
Of course. 

Lucy. 
[Talcing Lady Epping's place.'] Thank you 
so much. I forgot all about it before I came, 
and it's so important. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, Lucy, I'm sure you could never hav« 
anything important to write. 

Lucy. 
Oh, Flora ! 

Lady Epping. 
Come over here, Ollie, so that we shan't dis- 
turb Lucy. [Lucy writes her letter and Miss 
Yandeehide joins Lady Epping the other 
side of the room.'] What makes you want to 
go back to America ? 



78 law epping's lawsuit 

Miss Yanderhide. 
Patriotism. 

Lady Epping. 
How can you feel patriotic about a great big 
country like that ? Who's the man ? 

Miss Yanderhide. 
"What man ? 

Lady Epping. 
Do you know, dear, I once had an idea you 
cared for my brother. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
Lord Oswald ? 

Lady Epping. 
He's devoted to you. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
His may be the English way of showing it. 
It certainly isn't the Amurican. It's bad 
enough to have your husband flirting with a 
married woman, or your fiance, but to have a 
man going on like that before he's even en- 
gaged to you ! English girls put up with any- 
thing, but we don't ! 

Lady Epping. 
I admit Oswald did wrong to flirt with Mrs. 
Hughes — but forgive his past. 



LAW EPP/JVG'S LAWSUIT 79 

Miss Vanderhide. 
It's his present I'm so mad about. 

Lady Epping. 
The present soon becomes the past. 

Miss Vanderhide. 
If you know a man's past you can bet on his 
future. 

Lady Epping. 

His future takes a turn on his wedding day. 
Oswald would make a splendid husband. He 
has neither brain nor will, and he can be so at- 
tentive to a woman. You saw that. 

Miss Vanderhide. 
I've taken my passage now. And if I'm to 
sail tomorrer, I must hurry back to superintend 
my packing. 

Lady Epping. 
See Oswald when he calls. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
I've no expectation of such a call. 

Lady Epping. 
He shall call at six o'clock. 

[Miss Vanderhide going to Lucy, 
shakes hcmds with her. 



8o LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Miss Vanderhide. 
Au revoir. [Lucy replies. Miss Yander- 
HIDE retfwrns to Lady Epping.] Au revoir. 

Lady Epping. 
Six o'clock. 

Miss Yanderhide. 
I shan't be there at six. Make it six-fifteen. 
{Exit Miss Yanderhide. 

Lady Epping. 
We mustn't let her go back to America. 
She's far too rich — far too nice. \EnteT Os- 
wald.] Oswald ! 

Oswald. 
Hullo, Flora ! 

Lady Epping. 
I didn't know you were in the house. 

Oswald. 
[Shaking hatids with Lucy.] How are you, 
Lucy ? [To Lady Epping.] I've been look- 
ing for Epping. 

Lady Epping. 
He's resting after his journey, — poor old 
thing. Stay and talk to me. 

Oswald. 
All right. 



LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 8 1 

Lady Epping. 
\To Lucy, tactfully.'] Now, Lucy darling, I 
mustn't keep you here any longer. I know you 
have no end of thmgs to do. 

Lucy. 

[Getting uj? mid going.] Very well, I'll go, 
but [She glances at Oswald, tJieik, whis- 
pers to Lady Epping.] Do tell me how it 
turns out. I heard all you said to Miss Van- 
derhide. [Exit Lucy. 

Lady Epping. 
[Lady Epping sits on a sofa and puts her 
feet lip, then turns to Oswald.] I must take 
my rest while I'm talking to you. OUie Yan- 
derhide is at Claridge's, and she's going back 
to America to-morrow unless you stop her. 

Oswald. 
Then I suppose she'll go. 

Lady Epping. 
Don't let her. You'll never get another 
chance like Ollie — beautiful and rich, and ready 
to put up with you. 

Oswald. 
Did you say Claridge's ? 



82 LADV EP ping's LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
I think you might possibly catch her there 
about six-tifteen. 

Oswald. 

All right. 

Lady Epping. 
But mind, Oswald — if you do become en- 
gaged to Ollie Vanderhide — no more flirting 
Avith Mrs. Hughes. 

Oswald. 
We're not flirting now. We're good friends. 
I'm sorry for the little woman. 

Lady Epping. 
Sorry for her ? Why ? 

Oswald. 
You know why. 

Lady Epping. 
Don't be impertinent. 

Oswald. 
Look here, Flora, I may as well tell you. 
People are beginning to gossip about you and — 
you know. 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT Zl 

Lady Epping. 
I don't know who you mean, but surely a 
woman in my position may take an interest in 
a rising author without 

Oswald. 
It's chiefly because you had him to stay when 
you went home. 

Lady Epping. 
As one of a large party. 

Oswald. 
"Without his wife. 

Lady Epping. 
What a very middle-class objection ! 

Oswald. 
Well — I've warned you, and I advise you not 
to have him here too much. 

Lady Epping. 
It is most unlikely that he will come here at 
all. \Enter Henry. 

Henry. 
Is your ladyship at home to Mr. Paul Hughes ? 

Lady Epping. 
Oh ! [J. ])mise?\ Yes. 

{Exit Henry. Oswald laughs. Lady 
Epping stares at him. 



84 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Oswald. 
[Laughiiig.'] I can't help it, Flora, it's so 
funny ! I'm off to Claridge's — I hope you'll 
enjoy yourself. 

\_Exit Oswald. Enter Henry showing 
in Paul. 

Paul. 
I got your note asking me to come. 

Lady Epping. 
Sh ! {To Henry.] Henry — if any one calls 
I am not at home. 

Henry. 

Thank you, my lady. 

Lady Epping. 
Don't forget. 

Henry. 
No, my lady. {Exit Henry. 

Lady Epping. 
He's new. How glum you look. 

Paul. 

[Sighing.'] No wonder. 

Lady Epping. 
{Archly.'] Just because he hasn't seen me 
for two whole days ? 



ladv epping's lawsuit 85 

Paul. 
Partly that. 

Lady Epping. 
[Pretending to he offended^ Partly ? 

Paul. 
Mostly, but — / don't know what to do 
about it. 

Lady Epping. 
What's the matter ? 

Paul. 
Everything. Lady Epping 

Lady Epping. 
I told you you might call me Flora when w« 
are by ourselves. 

Paul. 

Flora — I'm an ape ! 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, you funny boy. You must put that in 
one of your plays. 

Paul. 
\Ecmiestly^ Yes. I am an a/pe^ but it's not 
funny — not for me. Ever since I came back 
from Scotland my wife won't speak to me. 



86 lady ep ping's lawsuit 

Lady Epping. 
[Seriously concerned, says quichly.'] Oh — oh 
— now I'm not going to have a scandal. 

Paul. 
She's taken all my photographs out of their 
frames and got one of your brother perched on 
her desk — where /used to be. It's disgraceful 
the way those two are carrying on. They've 
been to Earl's Court together. 

Lady Epping. 
[Busy with her own thoughts.'] But didn't 
you explain to your wife that joii simply came 
to Scotland to assist me with my theatricals ? 

Paul. 
I thought I was a guest. 

Lady Epping. 
Of course you were — don't be so silly. But 
she ought to understand that with two drama- 
We've , 

Paul. 



tists it's different. We've got an excuse. 



Look here, Flora 



Lady Epping. 

Don't raise your voice. I hear that people 
are talking about us. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 8/ 

Paul. 
Then we must see less of each other. 

Lady Epping. 
Or be more careful. 

Paul. 
There's bound to be talk if we keep on. 

Lady Epping. 

Nothing to what there will be if we suddenly 
leave off. 

Paul. 

[Advancifig to her.] I am going to be one 
of two things — I'll either be a good hus- 
band 

Lady Epping. 
I don't think it's in very good taste of you 
to say that to me. 

Paul. 
I'll either be a good husband or else I'll be a 
gay Lothario, — a danger — a menace to your 
domestic happiness. I must see Lord Epping 
livid with jealousy and the Duke running down 
from Cookie Castle to implore you to give 
me up. As I pass up Piccadilly I must see 
men-about-town nudging each other at club 
windows, as much as to say, "That's hitn. 



88 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

That's the young devil Lady Epping is break- 
ing her heart about." I'll have that or I'll 
have a well-ordered home. It's for you to 
choose, but I'm going to be something definite. 

Lady Epping. 
[ With emotion. Going to Paul and layvng 
her hand on his arm.'] If we could let ourselves 
go — but it wouldn't be right. [Paul attem.pts 
to kiss Lady Epping. /She stejps back hastily.] 
Prenez garde ! 

Paul. 

[ATtgrily.] There— you see! You don*t 
want to kiss me. You want me to want to 
kiss you, and you not let me. I've had enough 
of this one-sided game, so there's nothing else 
for it but for me to go home and be a good 
husband. ^Jle is going to the door. 

Lady Epping. 
[Following.] Ah, no, no — not thatl I 
mean^-don't go away in anger. 

Paul. 
[Coming hack to her.] Flora, I'm convinced 
you don't care a rap about me. Any fool 
would do as well to dance attendance. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, cruel — cruel ! Perhaps I am too well 
regulated, but then — I'm such a busy woman — 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 89 

I haven't time to go searching my heart all 
day. It takes a thoroughly idle woman to be 
sentimental. But, oh, Paul ! [She hegins to 
cry.] Now I'm making myself cry — and sup- 
pose any one came in. How dreadful that 
would be. Wait here while I run up to my 
room and dab something on. Then we'll have 
a nice cozy chat like we used to do in Scotland. 
[&it Lady Epping. Paul marches 

over to the fireplace moodily. Enter 

Henry. 

Henry. 
Mrs. Paul Hughes. 

\_Ex,it Henry. Enter Evelyn. They 
stare at each other ernbarrassed, cmd 
surprised, before they speak. 

Evelyn. 
[As if they were the merest acquaintances.] 
How d'you do, Paul ? 

Paul. 

Evelyn ! [Trying to appear at ease.] Have 
you come to call on Lady Epping ? 

Evelyn. 
Yes. And you ? 

Paul. 

Yes ; after staying there, you know. I 
thought it better to call. [A silence. 



90 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Evelyn, 
Yes. What an ideal September day it is. 

Paul. 

Is it? 

Evelyn. 
Yes. It's beginning to rain. 

Paul. 
I'll have a look. 

[Paul goes to the window. As he moves 
he surreptitiously returns the chair he 
sat in near Lady Epping to its orig- 
inal place. 

Evelyn. 
I should leave the furniture as it is if you 
want to look as if nothing had happened. 

Paul. 
[Indigna7itly.] We never sat in those chairs. 

Evelyn. 
Of course not. There's a sofa. 

Paul. 
[ With dignity I] I think you forget what 
Lady Epping's position is. 

Evelyn. 
I don't know what it is, but I suppose it was 
on the sofa. 



LADY EP ping's lawsuit 9 1 

Paul. 
Evelyn — what have you come here for ? 

Evelyn. 
To see Lady Epping. 

Paul. 
To — to have it out with her ? 

Evelyn. 
Have what out, Paul ? 

Paul. 
I don't know, but there's a gleam in your 
eye that I don't like. I hope you are going to 
be polite to Lady Epping. 

Evelyn. 
That was my intention — till I found you 
here. Kow — now — I don't know that I can 
answer for myself. 

Paul, 
You're not going to fight about me ? 

Evelyn. 
That depends on Lady Epping. 

Paul. 
But think what a ridiculous figure / should 
cut standing here between you. 



92 lady epping's lawsuit 

Evelyn. 
Then you'd better go. 

Paul. 
I shan't budge. 

Lady Epping. 
{Heard outside.'] Are you there ? 

Evelyn. 
{Calling hack.] Yes, I'm here. 

[Paul looks about hitn in alarm / then^ 
feeliifig unequal to the situation darts 
out of the room. Enter Lady Epping. 
She is surprised to find Evelyn cohere 
she left Paul, hut her composure is 
perfect. She advances graciously to 
Evelyn and shakes hands. 

Lady Epping. 
How kind of you to come and see me the 
first day I am in London. Do sit down. 

[Evelyn sits. 
Evelyn. 
[Seriously.] You take a great interest in my 
husband, don't you, Lady Epping ? 

Lady Epping. 
{Gra^jiously.] I think his work is charming. 

Evelyn. 
Before Paul became famous and had his head 
turned we were like two sweethearts. 



LADY EPPINC'S LAWSUIT 93 

Lady Epping. 
Indeed. 

Evelyn. 
[Besentfully.] Don't you think it's a great 
shame for a married woman to come between 

two sweethearts ? 

Lady Epping. 
[Seriously.'] Yes, I do. I have wished to 
speak to you on this matter for some time but 
I felt delicate about it. However — since you 
have introduced the subject — Mrs. Hughes, let 
me counsel you — as an elder woman may a 
younger — leave him alone. 

Evelyn. 
[Surprised.] My husband ? 

Lady Epping. 
My brother. 

Evelyn. 
Oh I 

Lady Epping. 
Your conscience pricks you, so you have come 
to tell me. 

Evelyn. 
No. 



94 LAD V EP ping's la wsuit 

Lady Epping. 
Don't try to check your better feelings. You 
are sorry — because, as you said just now, you 
have come between two sweethearts. 

Evelyn. 
It's you. 

Lady Epping. 
Don't be rude, please. See, I am not angry 
with you. I dare say you meant no harm. 

Evelyn. 

[ Clenching her fists in inarticulate rage.] Oh ! 
Oh, oh ! 

Lady Epping. 
[Going to her.] There, there. Have a good 
cry. It will do you good. 

Evelyn. 
We are not talking about me and Lord Os- 
wald and Miss Vanderhide. We are talking 
.about you and me and Paul ! 

Lady Epping. 
I suppose you think it very clever of you to 
turn it off in this way. 

Evelyn. 
Fin not turning it off — you are ! 



ladv ep ping's lawsuit 95 

Lady Epping. 

I begin to fear your guilt is greater than I 
had supposed. 

Evelyn. 

Oh! 

Lady Epping. 

Or you wouldn't lose your self-control in this 
way. Try and tell me all about it quietly, and 
we'll see if we can't get you out of the scrape 
without letting your husband know. 

Evelyn. 
Oh, you are a wicked woman. You know 
quite well I'm in the right and you are in the 
wrong — but you're so sharp 

Lady Epping. 

This is impossible. [^She rings the hell. 

Evelyn. 
Call the servants, — turn me out, but I'll get 
even with you yet — you hard-hearted husband 
stealer. [Exit Evelyn. 

Lady Epping. 

Insolence ! [Enter Henry. 

Henry. 
If you please, my lady, are you at home to 
Miss Berengaria Mortimer ? 



96 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
Henry, why, when I distinctly told you I was 
not at home to any one, did you admit Mrs. 
Hughes ? 

Henry. 
"Well, you see, my lady, she bore the same 
name as the gentleman who was with you, so I 
thought she must be his wife. 

Lady Epping. 

Well? 

Henry. 
I knew if she was his wife it was all right to 
let her in. 

Lady Epping. 
Really, Henry, you are a very stupid boy. 
Tell Mr. Buck to give you notice at once. 

Henry. 
\^Eespectfully.'] Thank you, my lady. 

Lady Epping. 

[Screams out.] Berry ! 

[Miter Miss Mortimer. I^xit Henry. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Darling one, I heard of your return, so I 
rushed in to tell you the news. 



lady ep ping's lawsuit 97 

Lady Epping. 

Yes, dear, but I want your advice first. You 
are an actress. You ought to know all about 
the emotions. 

Miss Moetimer. 
I live on emotion. 

Lady Epping. 
Suppose a married woman had had a flirta- 
tion — with a young married man. 

Miss Mortimer. 
[ With great interest.'] Oh ! 

Lady Epping. 
It's for a play. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Oh ! Can you get that past the Censor ? 

Lady Epping. 
It was only a flirtation. After a time he 
left her vowing never to return. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Very sensible of him. 

Lady Epping. 
Yes, but of course that didn't suit her. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Oh, I see — that kind of a woman. 



98 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 

Not at all — but naturally she's not going to 
let him throw her over. She's going to throw 
him over. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Naturally. 

Lady Epping. 

So she has to see him once more. How is 
she to get him to come ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
I should throw myself at his feet and crave 
a tryst. 

Lady Epping. 
I want sense, not sentiment. Would she 
make an appeal ? Say, send him a letter that 
was a little stronger than usual ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
I should think she would. 

Lady Epping. 

Would that bring him ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
I should think it would. 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 90 

Lady Epping. 
That's what I should think. "Will you ex- 
cuse me if I write a note ? I want to scribble a 
line to my sister. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Certainly, darling one. 

[Lady Epping sits at tlie writing table. 

Lady Epping. 
" My dear boy. I'm sorry I was cold — {she 
crosses out " cold " a^id writes'] unkind this after- 
noon. Come in soon and be forgiven. This 
evening I am going to the play with my hus- 
band, but at a quarter to ten I will have a severe 
headache and leave the theatre alone. Call at 
ten and let us make it up. Yours, F. E." [She 
puts the letter in an envelope.'] " Paul Hughes, 
Esquire." 

[She rings the hell and seals the envelope. 

Miss Mortimer. 
What is the play ? 

Lady Epping. 
Only a situation I am working out to please 
myself. I don't think it will ever be published, 
at least I hope not. [Enter Henry.] Take 
this letter. 

Henry. 
Yes, my lady. Is there any answer ? 



loo lady epping's lawsuit 

Lady Epping. 
You can wait — and see if there's an answer. 

Henky. 
Thank you, my lady. {He exits. 

Lady Epping. 
Now tell me your news. 

Miss Mortimer. 
I begin rehearsals of my new play to- 
morrow. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, really — who is it by ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
Paul Hughes. 

Lady Epping. 
How funny — why, you met him at my house. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Yes, my own angel, but 

Lady Epping. 
And you have eight, if not nine, of my plays 
under consideration. 

Miss Mortimer. 
I know it, precious one, — and I should be 
producing them all now, one after another, if I 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT lOI 

had my way, but my stupid manager has al- 
ready signed with Paul Hughes. 

Lady Epping. 
"What is his play about ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
I swore on my honour not to tell, but it won't 
do any harm to tell you. I'm a wife and my 
husband neglects me for his business, so I flirt 
with another man. That's the first two acts. 

Lady Epping. 

[^Indignantly.'] Oh ! [She recovers herself.'] 
Go on. 

Miss Mortimer. 
The third act is where I get my great chance. 
I visit my lover late at night and then my hus- 
band comes, so I hide behind a curtain. 

Lady Epping. 

[Breathlessly.] And the end ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
I go to the colonies. 

Lady Epping. 
But that is the plot of "Two Sins and a 
Woman." 



1 02 LADV EPPING'S LA WSUIT 

Miss Moetimer. 
It is the plot of nearly all the plays I ever 
acted in. 

Lady Epping. 
I told him that plot at Epping House. You 
can't produce it, Berry. I shall apply for an 
injunction. 

Miss Mortimer. 
That would advertise us nicely. 

Lady Epping. 
Who's your manager ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
Mr. Brooks. 

Lady Epping. 

I shall go and read my play to this Mr. 

Brooks to-morrow morning, \81ie paces about 

the room.'] Oh, 1 can prove my case up to the 

hilt. Is he a person one can ask to luncheon ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
Who? 

Lady Epping. 
This Mr. Banks — your manager. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Mr. Brooks. 



LADV EPP/NG'S LAWSUIT I03 

Lady Epping. 
He can come to tea anyway. I am disap- 
pointed in Mr. Hughes. I did think that at 
last I had found a genius who was a gentleman. 
Where is he to be found ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
Who? 

Lady Epping. 
This Mr. Rivers — your manager. 

Miss Mortimer. 
Mr. Brooks. He is generally to be found at 
the Trafalgar Theatre. 

Lady Epping. 
I shall go and interview him first thing to- 
morrow morning. I shall say "Mr. Waters " 

Miss Mortimer. 
Mr. Brooks. 

Lady Epping. 

Oh ! there was Yaneshla — the finest tragic 
part ever written — and I was willing to turn 
it into a comedy part to suit you. There 
was Lady Dorincourt — an excej)tional oppor- 
tunity for dress. She has a scene in which 
she tries on hats. You could have had the 



I04 LADY EPP/NG'S LAWSUIT 

stage strewn with Paris models. But no— no 
— you prefer to take a play by Mr. Hughes — a 
man you met through me. I consider that you 
have behaved in a most scandalous manner, and 
I only keep silent because I am in my own 
house. 

Miss Mortimee. 
Don't stop, dear one. I am making a study 
of you. I have a great scene of indignation in 
the third act and 1 wasn't sure how to take it 
[Lady Epping gives an exclamation of anger], 
but now I know. [She rises and goes to the 
door.] Good-bye, darling one, and thanks so 
much. 

Lady Epping. 

[ With artificial graciousness.'] Good-bye, 
Miss Mortimer. \_Exit Miss Mortimer. Enter 
Lord Epping hy the other door.] Oh, Epping ! 

Lord Epping. 
Flora, why aren't you resting ? 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, yes, I mustn't neglect my health. [She 
sits on the sofa and puts her feet up.] Oh, 
Epping, I've just received such a crushing blow. 
Sit down. [Lord Epping sits.] Berry Morti- 
mer is going to produce a play by Mr. Hughes, 
and it's my play. They've stolen it. 



LADY EP ping's LAWSUIT I05 

LoED Epping. 
Good gi'acious ! 

Lady Epping. 
I shall go to law. 

Lord Epping. 
No, Flora. 

Lady Epping. 
Am I to lie down and let them trample on 
me? 

Lord Epping. 
You really can't go to law with these people. 

Lady Epping. 
They deserve to be shown up. 

Lord Epping. 
I wish you'd give up writing plays. It's not 
fit work for a woman in your position. 

Lady Epping. 
Genius is not only to be found in low places. 
I consider it a possession of which any woman 
might be proud. 

Lord Epping. 
I know genius is not looked down upon as it 
used to be, and I don't think it ought to be, but 
I'm getting tired of the way we run after celeb- 



I o6 LADY EPPING'S LA WSUIT 

rities and turn Epping House into a Zoo every 
Saturday to Monday. 

Lady Epping. 
It is my pride that every shade of thought is 
represented at Epping House. 

Lord Epping. 
I don't object to cleiier people, but some of 
the people you get down there are just as 
stupid as our own relations. It's all very well 
for you. You amuse yourself with the wits, 
but /get left with the bores. I've had enough 
of them. Tilings have got to be changed, and 
this is a good place to begin. Let them steal 
your play and make that a reason for cutting 
the whole gang. It's no use trying to shine at 
everything. You'll only get neuritis. 

Lady Epping. 
[ With qiiist decision^ I shall go to law. 

Lord Epping. 
I shan't pay your costs. 

\Enter Oswald quickly with a smiling 
face. 

Oswald. 
I say, I've made it all right. \To Lady 
Epping.] We are going to be married on the 
tenth of November at St. Peter's, Eaton Square. 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 107 

Lady Epping. 
I congratulate you, dear boy, but oh, Oswald ! 
I am face to face with a grave crisis. My repu- 
tation is in jeopardy. 

Oswald. 
[^Pointedly.'] What did I tell you ? 

Lady Epping. 
My literary reputation. After thinking every- 
thing over very carefully from every point of 
view, I have at last decided to go to law, 
Epping refuses to pay my costs. To whom 
then can I turn but to you ? 

Oswald. 
Oh ! How much will the costs be ? 

Lady Epping. 
I must have first rate counsel. That may 
mean thousands of pounds. 

Oswald. 
You know I only have five hundred a year. 

Lady Epping. 
You had. But on November the tenth you 
are to marry an American heiress. 

Oswald. 
. We are only engaged yet. 



i08 ladv ep ping's lawsuit 

Lady Epping. 
My case won't come on before November. 

Oswald. 
I can't ask my wife to support my relations. 

LoKD Epping. 
\To Oswald.] I am quite well able to sup- 
port my own wife. 

Lady Epping. 
\To Lord Epping.] I know you are. But 
you won't do it. You throw me off just when 
you ought to rally round me. 

Oswald. 
Well, you must settle it among yourselves. I 
can't do anything. 

\^He moves away from them. 

Lady Epping. 
Then my jewels must go. 

Lord Epping. 
Flora, you shall not go into court and make a 
fool of yourself. 

Lady Epping. 
Shall not ! Do you say shall not ? 

Lord Epping. 
Yes, I did, and I Wjcan it. 



LADV EP PING'S LAWSUIT IO9 

Lady Epping. 
Which of us has made the name of Epping 
what it is to-day ? 

Lord Epping. 
I won't have my wife seeking cheap notoriety. 

Lady Epping. 
I think I shall know how to conduct myself 
in a Com't of Law. 

Lord Epping. 
Nobody can be effective in a Court of Law 
except the Judge. You'll be fastened up in a 
loose box and forced to answer all sorts of ques- 
tions. If you've any little secrets you don't 
want the world to know they'll have them all 
out of you. 

Oswald. 
That might be rather awkward. 

{Enter Henry. 

Henry. 
If you please, my lady, I left your letter. 

Lady Epping. 
Yery well — very well. You needn't come 
and tell me. 



no LADY EFPING'S LAWSUIT 

Henry. 
If you please, my lady, you said I was to see 
if there was an answer. 

Lady Epping. 
Have the answer sent to my room. 

Henry. 
There isn't one, my lady ; Mr. Hughes was 
out. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh! 

Henry. 
Mrs. Hughes opened the letter. 

Lady Epping. 
Mrs. Hughes ? 

Henry. 
She said there wasn't any answer — yet. 

[Lady Epping wa/ves him aside. Exit 
Henry. 

Oswald. 
That sounds ominous. I say, Flora — you 
canH go to law with him now. 

Lord Epping. 
Mow ! What do you mean by she can't go to 
law with him tww f 



LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 1 1 

Oswald. 
{Floundering^ Nothing — only — if she's 
written a letter to Hughes that his wife wasn't 
meant to see 

Lady Epping. 
Idiot ! 

Lord Epping. 

Was there anything in that letter that you 
wouldn't like the world to know ? 

Lady Epping. 
Certainly not. 

Loed Epping. 
Oswald — will you please leave us ? 

Lady Epping. 
{Before Oswald can do so.] Don't go, Os- 
wald, We've nothing to say to each other you 
can't hear. {To Lord Epping.J I suppose 
you'll be telling me next that my letter to Mr. 
Hughes will be read out in Court. As if it 
would matter if it wei^e — a casual note — asking 
him to luncheon. However — as you're both so 
determined I will do as you wish. I won't go 
to law. 

Lord Epping. 
I see ! You daren't so into Court. 



1 1 2 lad y ep ping's la wsuit 

Lady Epping. 
Don't be absurd ! 

LoED Epping. 
You're hiding something from me. 

Lady Epping. 
Nothing of the sort. 

LoED Epping. 
"Will you swear it ? 

Lady Epping. 

Swear ! If I'm to be sworn and cross exam- 
ined I may as well go into Court at once. I 
must now — if it's only to vindicate my charac- 
ter. Oswald, ring up my solicitor. 

Oswald. 
No, Flora — I won't. 

Lady Epping. 
Don't, then. I'll do it myself. \SJie snatches 
the receiver from the telephone and calls down 
it as the curtain falls.'] I'm going to law ! It's 
Lady Epping ! What number ? Oh — Holborn 
123—3—1, 2, 3. 

OUKTAIN 



THE THIKD ACT 

SCENE, — Courtroom X — King^s Bench Divi- 
sion. The courtroom is crowded when the 
curtain rises. 

Judge Wray is enthroyied opposite the audience. 
On his right hand is the vacant ivitness-box. 
In front of him and below him sits the ASSO- 
CIATE at his desk with the UsHER standing 
near. In front of the Associate's desk is 
the Solicitor's table with Lady Epping 
ayid her solicitor, LoRD Epping, Lady 
Lucy Lister, and Paul Hughes a7id his 
solicitor seated round it. On the right of the 
witness-box and facing left are the twelve 
jurymen in the jury-box. Facing the jury- 
box are the benches where the COUNSEL 
sit. Lady Epping is represented by Mr. 
Craven, K. C, and Mr. Hickory, and 
Paul Hughes by Clinton Perry. Be- 
sides all these people there are also present 
many barristers, solicitors'' clerics, newspaper 
reporters and sketch artists, and general pub- 
lic. Evelyn Hughes and Miss Beren- 
GARIA Mortimer are accommodated with 

113 



114 LADY EP ping's LAWSUIT 

chairs in front of the jury-box and on the 
bench on either side of the Judge are seated 
Lord Oswald Bruce-Bannerman and 
Miss YandERHIDE, who has now become 
Lady Oswald Bruce-Bannerman, 
Lady Beacroft and other smartly dressed 
ladies. 

Hickory. 

[Hising and saying to Wray.] May it please 

your Lordship [The rest of the speech to 

the Jury.] Gentlemen of the Jury, the Count- 
ess of Epping is the Plaintiff and Mr. Paul 
Hughes the Defendant. The claim is to re- 
cover damages for the infringement of copy- 
right of a play written by plaintiff and entitled 
" Two Sins and a Woman," and to restrain the 
defendant from again performing his play 
entitled " Smoke without Fire " which we claim 
is substantially a copy of the said play. The 
defendant has pleaded denying that " Smoke 
without Fire " is in any sense a copy of " Two 
Sins and a Woman." Upon these pleas issue 
is joined and these are the issues you will have 
to try. [He sits down. 

Craven. 
[Rising and addressing Wray.] May it 

please your lordship [To the Jury.] 

Gentlemen of the Jury 



LADY EPP/JVG'S LA WSUIT 1 1 $ 

Wray. 
I should like to mention here that the plain- 
tiff is a personal friend of mine. Is there any 
objection to my hearing the case ? 

Perry. 

]!^ot the slightest, my lord. 

Lady Epping. 
On the contrary 

Evelyn. 
\To Miss Mortimer.] She is trying to 
fascinate the Judge now ; it isn't fair. 

Craven. 
This action is brought by the plaintilf to re- 
cover damages for the infringement of the 
copyright of her play "Two Sins and a 
Woman." The defendant is a professional 
dramatist, and, like other professional drama- 
tists, is no doubt frequently hard up for a plot. 
We know that in such cases necessity is not al- 
ways the Mother of Invention. The plaintiff 
herself will tell you how, on the tenth of July 
at Epping House — one of her ladyship's many 
country seats — she told the defendant the plot 
of her play " Two Sins and a Woman." 

Wray. 

Why didn't she call it " Three Sins " ? 

\Oeneral laughter in which Wray and 



Il6 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

eoery one hut Craven and Lady 
Epping join. Craven loolis about 
him impatiently till the laughter has 
subsided before he proceeds. 

Craven. 
The plaintiff will also tell you how, a few 
minutes later, on the same day, she read extracts 
from the said play to the defendant, and how 
finally in the month of September she read him 
the whole of " Two Sins and a Woman," and 
the whole of sixteen other plays while they 
were both guests at Cookie Castle in Scotland. 

Wray. 
I thought I had seen it stated somewhere 
that Lady Epping had only written fifteen 
plays when she went to Cookie Castle. 

Craven. 

She wrote two more dming the last week of 
August. [To the Jury.] Up to the end of the 
Cookie visit the relations between the plaintiff 
and the defendant seem to have been excep- 
tionally — er — [Lady Epping clear^s her throat\ 
harmonious. It was not until September 
twenty-fifth that her ladyship began to suspect 
she had been nourishing a viper in her — er — 
entertaining a viper unawares. On that day the 
plaintiff received a call from Miss Berengaria 
Mortimer — {all eyes are turned towards MiSS 



LAD Y EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 1 7 

MoETiMER, who poses Complacently!^ the cele- 
brated actress. Miss Berengaria Mortimer in- 
formed Lady Epping that she had been engaged 
by Mr. Brooks of the Trafalgar Theatre to 
play the principal part in Mr. Paul Hughes' 
play " Smoke without Fire." When Lady 
Epping asked Miss Berengaria Mortimer to tell 
her the plot of the play, Miss Berengaria 
Mortimer told it — in the exact words Lady 
Epping had used to tell the plot of " Two Sins 
and a Woman " to Mr. Hughes. Gentlemen, 
our claim is not only that the whole of the 
plot of " Smoke without Fire " is copied from 
" Two Sins and a Woman." We claim that one 
of the scenes is copied, the situation at the end 
of the third act, and two lines of the dialogue 
— the lines " I love you " and " I hate you." 
Now, gentlemen, you are doubtless aware that 
" Smoke without Fire " was not a success, but 
we claim that if " Two Sins and a Woman " 
had been produced in its place, it would have 
been a success, and that if it had been a success, 
Lady Epping's sixteen other plays would have 
been produced and would have been successes 
too. It will be for you to calculate what her 
profits ought to have been. 

Wray. 
It seems to me, Mr. Craven, that would be 
almost as difficult to estimate as an Income tax. 



1 1 8 LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

Craven. 

It is not for me, my lord, to improve upon 
the methods of the present Government. \To 
the Jury.] Gentlemen, I hope you will re- 
member that the plaintiff, though a countess, is 
also a woman — a woman in search of justice. 
Divest the noble plaintiff of her rank, her 
wealth, her regal residences, her servants, dogs, 
jewels, motor cars and family plate — and 
picture her struggling up the ladder of Fame 
supported only by her pen. There I will leave 
her, gentlemen, and as you watch her and listen 
to her, remember that she suffers just what 
your own wives and daughters would have suf- 
fered in a similar situation : she has the same 
hopes and fears, difficulties and dangers, the 
same red blood tingling in her veins. 

[He sits down. 
Wray. 

I always thought a countess's blood was blue. 
[^General laughter' in whichW ray joins. 

Hickory. 

Lady Epping 

[Lady Epping enters the witness-box. 
Her hehaviour is modest, dignified and 
attentive until she becomes at home. 
She appears unconscious of the interest 
she creates. The Sketch Artists set 
vigorously to work to draw her. 



lady ep ping's lawsuit ii9 

Associate. 
[To Lady Epping cmd gabbling almost inco- 
herently ^^ Take the Book in your right hand. 
The evidence you shall give to the court and 
jury, touching the matters in the question, shall 
be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but 
the truth. Kiss the Book. 

[Lady Epping does so. 

Lucy. 
[To Lord Epping.] Bid you see her kiss 
the Book ? How sweet ! 

USHEK. 

Sh! Sh! 

Craven. 

You are Flora, Teresa, Maud, Adelaide, Platt- 
Byng, Countess of Epping, Viscountess Epping 
and Baroness Epping in the United Kingdom ; 
Baroness Leopardstown of Leopardstown in 
Ireland ; Viscountess Peak and Baroness Clack 
in England and a Lady of Justice of the Order 
of St. John of Jerusalem — the plaintiff ? 

Lady Epping. 
Yes. 

Craven. 
And you live at Epping House, Leopards- 
town Manor, Peak Park, Clack Court and 
Berkeley Square? 



1 20 LAD Y EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

Lady Epping. 

Yes. 

Craven. 
You have written a number of plays ? 

Lady Epping. 
Yes. 

Craven. 
Have any of your plays been produced ? 

Lady Epping. 
One of my plays was produced in the ball- 
room at Cookie Castle last September, with 
myself in the principal part, supported by sev- 
eral friends. The ballroom was crowded with 
several more friends and all the indoor and 
outdoor servants. We had a very great success. 

Craven. 
So that you would not consider yourself a 
novice in matters connected with the stage ? 

Lady Epping. 
Certainly not, for I have also taken part in 
tableaux in some of the leading London theatres. 

Craven. 
Do you remember the tenth of July ? 

Lady Epping. 
"Was that the day I made the acquaintance 
of Mr. Hughes ? 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 121 

Craven. 
\8miling graciously ^^ I am asking you. 

Lady Epping. 
Oh, then I suppose it would be, otherwise 
you wouldn't have asked me — yes. 

Craven. 
"What happened on the tenth of July ? 

Lady Epping. 
I made the acquaintance of Mr. Hughes ? 

Craven. 

Yes. 

Lady Epping. 
Thank you. I thought him a very conceited 
young man. 

Wray. 
You are not allowed to say what you thought. 

Lady Epping. 

I concluded that he was a verj"" conceited 
young man. 

Craven. 
Yes, yes — now — do you remember the four- 
teenth of July ? 



1 22 LAD V EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

Lady Epping. 

The fourteenth — let me see — oh, yes ! 
{Brightly to Wray.] That was the Sunday 
you spent with us ! 

Wray. 
[Smiling at Lady Epping.] And very 
much I enjoyed it. 

Lady Epping. 
I'm so glad. Bo come and see us again. 

Wray. 
[Smiling at Lady Epping.] M-m-m ! 

Craven. 
[ Waiting with obtrusive patience to continue.] 
My lord, am I to continue my examination ? 

Wray. 
Certainly, Mr. Craven, certainly. 

[He leans had' in his chair andhecomes 
absorbed in his hands. 

Craven. 
What else do you remember about the four- 
teenth of July ? 

Lady Epping. 
I came into the drawing-room just before tea 
and found the two defendants 



LAD V EP ping's la WSUIT 1 2 3 

Wray. 

[Smilingly.^^ There is only one defendant. 

Lady Epping. 
[Jo Wray.] He knows what I mean. [^To 
Ceaven.] I began to tell them about my 
plays. 

Craven. 
What else ? 

Lady Epping, 
The conversation then became general. / 
talked while they listened. 

Craven. 
Did you tell them the plot of a particular 
play? 

Lady Epping. 

\_As if she thought that a vei'y silly question.'] 
Well, of course. That's what we're all here 
about. 

Craven. 
What was the title of the particular play ? 

Lady Epping. 
"Two Sins and a Woman." 

Craven. 
Did Mr. Hughes make any comment ? 



1 24 LADY EP ping's LA WSUIT 

Lady Epping. 

None whatever. I see now that he must 
have been committing my plot to memory so 
that he could use it himself. 

Perry. 

[^Rising to protest.^ My lord 

Lady Epping. 
[Stares at Perry, then says to Wray.] Is 
he allowed to interrupt me like that ? 

Wray. 
He is quite within his rights. 

Lady Epping. 
But I wasn't speaking to him at all. I was 
speaking to Mr. Craven. 

Wray. 

It would be better if you did not cast reflec- 
tions on the defendant. 

Lady Epping. 

Yery well, I'll accept that from you or Mr. 
Craven, but not from Mr. Perry. I'm not em- 
ploying hi7n. 

Craven. 

What happened after tea on the fourteenth 
of July ? 



LADY EFP/JVG'S LAIVSUIT 125 

Lady Epping. 
I read an extract from "Two Sins and a 
Woman " to the defendant. 

Craven. 
When did you next read " Two Sins and a 
Woman " to the defendant ? 

Lady Epping. 
At Cookie Castle in September. 

Craven. 
Do you remember the twenty-fifth of Sep- 
tember ? 

Lady Epping. 
[Playfully.'] I thought you were going to 
say, " Do you remember the fifth of November ? " 

Wray. 

I think the exact quotation is, " Please to re- 
member the fifth of November." 

[ General and jprolonged laughter, in which 
Wtlay Joijis. 

Perry. 
\Half rising as he says smiling.'] Another 
case of a plot which was suppressed. 

[A feeble laugh is raised at this jest but 
it is immediately suppressed by the 
Usher. 



126 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Wray. 

{Sternly^ If there is any more of this levity 
I shall clear the Court. 

Craven. 

[ Wlio has heen 'impatient during the jokes. \ 
Do you recall on the twenty-fifth of September 
Miss Berengaria Mortimer coming to see you '? 

Lady Epping. 
Ida 

Wray. 
Who is Miss Berengaria Mortimer ? 

Miss Mortimer. 
[^Surprised and in a tone of disappointment.'] 
Oh! 

Craven. 
The celebrated actress, my lord. 

Lady Epping. 
{Smiling at Wray.] Berry. You remem- 
ber Berry ! 

Wray. 

\^In a reverie.'] Garia ! [Jle leans hack as he 
says to Craven.] What are you waiting for, 
Mr. Craven ? 

Craven. 

What did Miss Berengaria Mortimer tell you ? 



LAD Y EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 2/ 

Lady Epping. 

[ With serious indignation. ^, The plot of Mr. 
Hughes' play — and no sooner had she let the 
cat out of the bag than I recognized it as my 
own child. 

CRAVEISr. 

Yes — well — now I think you saw the first 
performance of the defendant's play, " Smoke 
without Fire " ? 

Lady Epping. 
I did. I thought it very weak — except in 
the places where it resembles mine — the rest of 
it bored me. Lucy can tell you. She was with 
me. Lady Lucy Lister. \^Pointing.'] She's sit- 
ting over there. 

[Every one turns to look at LuCY, who 
appears unconscious of their gaze. 

Wray. 
Is Lady Lucy Lister to be called ? 

Craven. 
No, my lord. 

Wray. 

[Graciously.'] I'm sorry. 

Lucy. 
So am I. [She hows graciously to Wrat. 



128 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

Craven. 
What in your opinion are the salient points 
of resemblance between the two plays ? 

Lady Epping. 
The plots are just the same. 

Wray. 

Most plots are. 

{Prolonged laughter in which Wray 
joiiis. 

Craven. 
Do you find any of the dialogue similar ? 

Lady Epping. 
I do. In my play Lady Dorincourt says to 
the Duke of Vere, " I hate you." In Mr. 
Hughes' play Mrs. What's-her-name says pre- 
cisely the same thing to Mr. Whatever-his- 
name-is, and they all four say, " I love you." 

Craven. 
Do you find any other resemblance ? 

Lady Epping. 
I do. Their third act passes in a bachelor's 
chambers at eleven o'clock at night, and so does 
mine. 

Craven. 
Are there any scenes in the two plays which 
you consider similar ? 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 129 

Lady Epping. 
Yes. The scenes at the ends of the third acts. 

Craven. 

Describe these scenes to the Jury in your 
own way. 

Lady Epping. 

Well, in their play the husband finds the 
wife in the lover's rooms, and there's a lot of 
talk and a kind of struggle and the wife flops 
over on the hearth-rug. [Continuing with 
great dramatic emphasis and jjoirit in the de- 
scription of her oiori play.~\ Now, in my play, 
Lord Dorincourt tears the portiere aside and 
discovers — Lady Dorincourt. " Lilian, is that 
you ? " he says and she says " Yes." Then he 
turns to the Duke of Vere and says, " I never 
thought you would do such a thing." And the 
Duke stands like this — \with her arms hy her 
sides and her head henf] never says a word — 
just stands like this. [Holding the pose a nio- 
7nent hefore she continues excitedly.] Then 
Lord Dorincourt seizes the Duke of Yere by 
the throat and forces him to his knees. Lady 
Dorincourt rushes between them crying [her 
arms wide apart and shrieking], " liill me / " 
[She drops her arms and srjiiles.] That's my 
curtain. 



1 30 LAD V EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

Wkay. 

[^Pleasantly.'] A very pretty incident. [Cea- 
VEN sits. Perry immediately rises. Weay 
groans at the sight of Perry.] Oh ! 

[He sits hack extremely hored. Lady 
Epping's attitude towards Perry is 
stubborn and antagonistic. She looks 
ujpon him as her enemy. Perry's 
manner at the heginning is pompous. 

Perry. 
Is it not true that you offered to tell Mr. 
Hughes the plot of your play ? 

Lady Epping. 
I don't remember. 

Perry. 
Do you suggest that he asked you to tell it 
him? 

Lady Epping. 
He may have done so. 

Perry. 
Wormed it out of you ? 

Lady Epping. 
I don't think I know that expression. 

Perry. 
Was Mrs. Hughes present ? 



LADY EP ping's LA WSUIT 1 3 1 

Lady Epping. 
She may have been. 

Perry. 
[^Exasperated^ shouting.'] Was she ? 

Lady Epping. 

[Also shouting.] Yes ! 

Perry. 
I suppose you will not deny that on Sunday 
afternoon, the fourteenth of July, while you 
were having tea with a number of friends, you 
announced your intention of collaborating on a 
play with Mr. Hughes ? 

Lady Epping. 
You were there and heard me. 

Perry. 
Will you kindly say if this is not so ? 

Lady Epping. 
It may have been. 

Perry. 

[Losing his temper.] I don't want " It may 
have been" I want "yes" or "no." [Lady 
Epping hegins to draw on her glove in a 
leisurely manner., quite ignoring Perry who 
hecomes more exasperated^ Yes or no? 
[Pause^^ Yes or no ? 



132 LADY EPPTNG'S LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
[Pleasantly to "Wray.] Couldn't you come 
to us for Christmas ? 

Wray. 

[Smiles.'] M [Solemnly.'] Now answer 

the question. 

[He busies himself with his notes. 

Lady Epping. 
[To Perry.] "Would you mind saying it all 
over again ? I've forgotten what you asked 
me. 

Perry. 
[Disconcerted, he turns to a Barrister near 
him and says in a whisper.] Do you remember 
what it was ? 

Barrister. 
I wasn't attending. 

Perry. 

We will pass on to — to — yes — now — this 
great success you say you had when you played 
your own play before your own servants. 

Lady Epping. 
I never said I played my own play before 
my own servants. 

Perry. 
Yes you did. 



LADV EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 3 3 

Lady Epping. 
No, I didn't. 

Peeey. 

You said just now you had a great success at 
Cookie Castle before an audience mainly com- 
posed of servants. 

Lady Epping. 
Not my servants. 

Peeey. 

Whose servants ? 

Lady Epping. 

My father's, 

Peeey. 

Well, well, well, your father's servants then. 
We won't quarrel about that. I suppose your 
father's servants had to applaud you ? 

Lady Epping. 
Do you ? 

Peeey. 

Had they ? 

Weay. 
That is a question for Lady Epping's father's 
servants. 



i 34 LADY EP ping's LA WSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
{^Cheerfully P\^ A very good retort. I nearly 
made it myself. [To Perky.] Well, anything 
else ? 

Perry. 
You are not allowed to ask me questions. 

Lady Epping. 
My own side will correct me when neces- 
sary. 

Perry. 

This question of the third acts both passing 
in a bachelor's chambers. I suppose you don't 
think you have the exclusive right to use a 
bachelor's chambers at 11 o'clock at night ? 

Lady Epping. 
{Indignantly?^ How dare you say such a 
thing ? As if I should ever dream 

Perry. 
I mean — to use them — in an artistic sense. 

Lady Epping. 
Don't attempt to explain ; let us pass away 
from this very disagreeable incident. 

Perry. 

'' I love you." 



LAD Y EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 3 5 

Lady Epping. 
[Surprised, she draws herself up."] Mr. Perry ! 

Peery. 
" I hate you." 

Lady Epping. 

[^Realizing that he is quoting from her playJ] 
Oh, I see. 

"Wkay. 

[ Waking up.'] What was that ? Keally, Mr. 
Perry, I must take exception to your language. 

Perry. 
I was quoting Lady Epping. 

Wray. 
That's no excuse. Lady Epping is not sup- 
posed to know the etiquette of the Court and 
you are. 

Perry. 
I am obliged to your lordship. These lines 
"I love you" and "I hate you" — don't you 
realize that they are very commonplace ? 

Lady Epping. 
I do now. 

Perry. 
Didn't you realize that as you wrote them ? 



136 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
No — it was as you spoke them. 

[Slight general laughter. 

Peeey. 
I really must ask you to treat me with more 
respect. 

Lady Epping. 
[Smiling indulgently. '\ Poor little Mr. Perry ! 

Peeey. 

[Indignantly.'] Oh ! 

[He sits down nearly crying with ra^ge. 

Ceaven. 
Lady Epping — it has been suggested that 
you insisted on telling Mr. Hughes the plot of 
your play ? 

Lady Epping. 
Only by Mr. Perry. 

Ceaven. 
Is it true that you forced your play on the 
defendant's attention ? 

Lady Epping. 
No. He wormed it out of me. 

Ceaven. 
Thank you. \He sits down. 



LAD r EFP/NG'S LA WSUIT 1 37 

Lady Epping. 

Can I come out? [Craven hows to her. 

Leading the loitness-hox, she says to Weay.] 

Good-bye ! [She waves her hand to him — then 

rejoins Lord Epping.] Now are you satisfied ? 

Usher. 
Sli, sh! 

Lady Epping. 

[Staring at the Usher.] I'm the plaintiff. 
[Sits beside Lord Epping. 

Craven. 
[To Wray.] That is the plaintiff's case, my 
lord. [Me then sits. 

Perry. 
[Rising to address Wray.] Idlay it please 
your lordship 

Wray. 
[Groaning at the sight of Perry.] Oh ! 

Perry. 
Gentlemen of the Jury. My learned friend, 
in his opening speech, asked you to remember 
that the plaintiff, though a countess, is also a 
woman. At the same time he has lost no 
opportunity of reminding you that, though a 
woman, she is also a countess — as if on that 
account she has a special claim upon your sym- 



138 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

pathies. Now, gentlemen — I hope you will not 
be snobs, but like the free-born lower-middle 
class Britons that you probably are — you will 
support a poor defendant against a rich plain- 
tiff — whatever the rights of the case. sJOrojp- 
jpimg his voice to a sad tofw.'] The defendant, 
gentlemen, is no charming woman — such as 
you have just seen. He is merely — a man. 
[ IVith sudden Jire.'] But he is an Englishman ! 

A Boy. 
Hooray ! 

Perry. 

with all those fine and noble qualities 

which have made Englishmen — what we are. 
Courage, veracity, brawn, all the domestic and 
conjugal virtues coupled with a taste for sport. 
Could such a man be guilty of robbing a 
woman ? This story, gentlemen, which Lady 
Epping claims to have invented is literally as 
old as Adam. "Who are the eternal hero, hero- 
ine and villain of drama but Adam and Eve 
and the Serpent ? Boil almost every play down 
to its component parts and you find our three 
old friends at the bottom of the pot. [ WorJc- 
i7\g himself up to a final hurst of indignation.'] 
Are we to hand over the copyright of the book 
of Genesis to Lady Epping? Did she create 
Adam and Eve ? Is she the author of their 
fall ? Did she invent sin, and are we not to be 



LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 39 

allowed to participate ia it? Gentlemen, are 
you going to surrender this precious heritage, 
or will you rise in your might and give a 
brother Englishman fair play ! 

\IIe sits down exhausted hy Ms great 
effort. There is some ajpjglause. 

Usher. 
Sh,shl 

Wray. 
This demonstration is really most uncalled 
for. 

Perry. 
{Rising and still exhausted^ Mr. Paul 
Hughes. 

EvELYisr. 
\To Miss Mortimer.] He'll never be able 
to answer their questions ; he'll be worse than 
he was at the interview. 

[Paul enters the witness-hox. 

Associate. 
{Oahhling incoherently as 'before.'] Take the 
Book in your right hand. The evidence you 
shall give to the Court and Jury touching the 
matter in the question shall be the truth, the 
whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Kiss 
the Book. 

[Paul kisses the Booh and returns it. 



I40 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Perry. 
You are the defendant, and you live at 
" Monrepos," Edgware Koad ? 

Paul. 
Yes, my lord. 

Wray. 
Please don't address Mr, Perry as My lord. 

Paul. 
\To Wray.] No, sir. 

Wray. 
\Se'oerely.'\ Don't be facetious. 

Paul. 
I didn't mean to 

Wray. 
Don't talk so much. \As he leans hack.'] I 
really must put a stop to all this chattering and 
frivolity. 

Perry. 
Do you remember the fourteenth of July ? 

Paul. 
Yes, my wife and I were staying at Epping 
House. Lady Epping read me extracts from 
several of her plays. 

Perry. 
Tell us briefly the circumstances. 



LADV EPP/NG'S LA IVSUIT 1 4 1 

Paul. 
It was after tea. [To Wray.] You'd just 
gone out for a walk with Lady Beacrof t 

Wray, 
Address your remarks to the Jury. 

Paul. 
[To Jury.] The Judge and Lady Bea- 
crof t 

Wray. 
[Interrupting impatiently.'] No, no, no. We 
don't want this. 

Perry. 
Did you steal any of Lady Epping's ideas ? 
[Craven laughs. Perry angrily to Craven,] 
Don't interrupt while I am examining the wit- 
ness. [To Paul.] Did you steal any of Lady 
Epping's ideas ? 

Wray. 
That is a question for the Jury, Mr. Perry. 

Perry. 
I am obliged to your lordship. [To Paul.] 
Then I may take it you did not steal any of 
Lady Epping's ideas ? 

Paul. 

No. [He adds hastily.] Yes. 



142 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

Wray. 
{Jmpatieritly.'] Which d'you mean — no or 
yes? 

Paul. 
If he means did I steal them, I mean 

Wray. 
[Angrily. ^^ Don't trifle with the Court, Mr. 
Hughes. Remember you are on your oath. 

Paul. 
[Syhmissively.~\ Yes. 

Wray. 
[To Perry.] Yes. He did steal them. 

Paul. 
\_Desperately.'\ No. 

Wray. 
[Exasperated.'] Well, which is it ? Yes or 
no? 

Perry. 
I think he means " yes." 

Cravey. 
[Springing up.] I object to the way my 
learned friend is leading the witness. 

Perry. 

[Pompously.] I will put the question in 
another way. Did you or did you not steal any 



LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 4 3 

of Lady Epping's ideas? [Craven laughs. 
Perry losing his temper.~] My lord, I cannot 
proceed with ray examination if my friend con- 
tinues to titter at everything I say. 

Craven. 
I didn't titter. I laughed. 

Perry. 

[Angrily.'] You tittered. 

Wray. 

[Looking up suddenly.'] Eh ? What's the 
matter ? [Angrily to Paul.] Why don't you 
answer the questions ? Stand up straight and 
take your hands out of your pockets. You are 
a most unsatisfactory witness. 

Evelyn. 
[To Miss Mortimer.] Isn't the Judge hard 
upon him ? 

Perry. 
Your play " Smoke without Fire " did not run 
very long, I think ? 

Paul. 

Three weeks. 

Perry. 

Ah ! A complete failure. 



i 44 LADY EPFING'S LA WSUIT 

Paul. 
A succes d'estime. 

Perry. 
In spite of your play being such a disastrous 
succes d'estime, Lady Epping claims to be the 
author ? 

Paul. 
She says our plots are just alike. 

Wray. 
I once heard a learned judge say, "Most 
plots are." 

\Oeneral laughter in which W bay joins. 

Perry. 
[To Wray.] That is our defense, my lord. 
Our author claims that it is impossible to write 
an entirely original play. They have all been 
written. One more question : Is your play, in 
your opinion, entirely original ? 

Paul. 
It is. 

[Perry, having finished his exami/tia- 
tion, sits. Craven rises to cross-ex- 
amine. 

Craven. 
We have heard that on Sunday afternoon, the 
fourteenth of July, the plaintiff read you an 
extract from "Two Sins and a Woman." 



LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 1 45 

Paul. 
, Yes. 

Craven. 
The play was produced 

Wray. 
[^Interrupting.'] But I thought it never was 
produced. 

Craven. 
[Irritably to Wray.] If your lordship will 
allow me to finish my sentence — \to Paul] the 
play was produced from a black tin box. [To 
his Clerk.] Have we the black tin box in 
Court? 

[The Clerk produces the black tin box 
which was used in the first act. 

Wray. 
As you can't produce the play, you produce 
the black tin box. 

[Prolonged laughter in which Wray 
joins. 

Craven. 
[To Paul.] Is that the box in which Lady 
Epping keeps her plays ? 

Paul. 
I believe so. 



1 46 LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

Craven. 
Did you see that box at Cookie Castle ? 

Paul. 

Yes — I think so. 

Craven. 
\^I'mpressively.'] No — don't think so — be 



sui-e. 



Paul. 



Yes. 



Wray. 

Let me see the box. \^It is handed up to 
"Wray who taps it^ then opens it and peers in- 
side^ I think the Jury ought to see this. \As 
Associate rises slowly.^ Make haste please 
or I may drop it on the Usher's head. 

\^It is handed to the Jury. 

Craven. 
There is a remarkable thing about that box. 
It won't lock. \A sensation in Courti\ You 
had easy access to that box ? 

Paul. 
No. 

Craven. 
Bat it won't lock. 

Paul. 
Oh I 



lady epping's lawsuit i47 

Ceaven. 
I suggest to you that the box won't lock. 

Paul. 
I'll take your word for it. 
Craven. 
I further suggest that it was perfectly simple 
for you to take the play out of the box had you 
so desired. 

Paul. 
JSTo. 

Ceaven. 
You knew where Lady Epping kept the box ? 

Paul. 
Yes. 

Weay. 

"Where did she keep it ? 

Paul. 

Under her bed. 

\LaiLghter^ immediatdy suppressed. 

Ceaven. 
You are a successful dramatist ? 

Paul. 
I believe so. 

Ceaven. 
Altogether a most exemplary young man. 



148 lady ep ping's lawsuit 

Paul. 
That is a question for the Jury. 

Wray. 

[Sweetly to Craven.] Will you give us 
your detinition of an exemplary young man, 
Mr. Craven ? 

[Prolonged laughter in which "Wray 
joins. 

Craven. 
[Impressi/vely.] Indirectly, my lord — by 
proving that the defendant is not one. 

lA general rustle in Courts murmurs^ 
Tnovement, whispering, etc. 

Lucy. 
[To Lord Epping.] That's what they call 
sensation ! 

Usher. 
Sh, sh ! 

Craven. 
My learned friend in his opening speech 
scorned the suggestion that you have robbed 
Lady Epping because you are such a model of 
all the domestic and conjugal virtues. 

Paul, 
Yes. 



LADV EP PING'S LAWSUIT 1 49 

Craven. 
Asa matter of fact, I think you are separated 
from your wife. 

Paul. 
[Eagerly. '\ I can explain that. 

Craven. 
[Severely.'] I won't trouble you for an ex- 
planation. You are separated from your wife ? 

Paul. 
It's all about a letter. 

Craven. 
What letter ? 

Paul. 
A letter which was addressed to me and 
which fell into my wife's hands. 

Craven. 
A compromising letter ? 

Paul. 

[Hesitating.] "Well 

Wray. 

[Severely.] Answer the question. "Was the 
letter compromising ? 

Paul. 



1 50 LAD Y EPPING'S LA WSUIT 

Cbaven. 
[Triunvphantly.'] Ah ! 

Paul. 
in a way, 

Wray. 
Do stop talking. I never heard anything 
like the way you run on with irrelevant re- 
marks. Who was the letter from ? 

Paul. 
I don't remember, 

Wea-Y. 
Don't remember ! Don't remember ! 

Paul. 

No, my lord — I do not remember. 

Craven. 
My lord, I believe Mrs. Paul Hughes is in 
court. No doubt she will remember. 

Paul. 
[^Losing his head.'] No, she doesn't. Neither 
of us do, but if your lordship insists, I will write 
the lady's name on a piece of paper, 

Wray. 
Yes, you'd better. [Paul writes a namne on 
a page of his pocketbooh. It is passed to Wray. 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 15 1 

"Wray reads the paper ^ then gives a little scream 

of surprise and amusement^ Oh ! 

\He leans hack in his chair^ smiling^ 
covers his face with his handkerchief 
and ogles Lady Epping over the top 
of it. 

Perry. 

[With the letter in his ha7id.'] My lord, it 
was not my intention to use this letter, but 
since my friend has introduced the subject I 
propose to put it in as evidence. 

Wray. 

Evidence of what ? 

Perry. 
Evidence that this is nothing but a trumped- 
up case. 

Craven. 
[Springs up, protesting. ~\ Oh ! my lord ! 

Wray. 
Sit down, Mr. Craven. 

[Craven does so and leaning over reads 
the letter in Perry's hand. 

Perry. 
I submit that this letter clearly shows that 
the plaintiff and the defendant had quarreled — 
that it was a quarrel of a most private and in- 



152 LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

timate character. I further submit that her 
ladyship's only motive in bringing this action 
is revenge. 

Craven. 
\It^8i7lg^^ My lord, this letter cannot be 
material to any of the issues raised, 

Wray. 
It was you who introduced the letter, Mr. 
Craven. I think we must have it. 

Lady Epping. 

\To Craven.] No, no ! 

Perry. 
I will read the letter. It begins 

Craven. 
My lord, I protest 

Lady Epping. 
\To Craven.] Snatch it. 

Perry. 

{Holding the letter high up so that Craven 
cannot snatch it and raising his voice to he 
hea/rd.'\ " My dear " 

Craven. 
[Protesting. "l My lord 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT I53 

Perry. 
" My dear " 

Wray. 

{Raising his voice a7igrily.] Gentlemen, 
gentlemen ! Perhaps it will be sufficient if / 
read the letter. 

Perry. 
As your lordship pleases. 

[The letter is handed to Wray, who reads 
it with an expression of surprise and 
aniuse^nent. 

Wray. 

I think we must hear what the plaintiff has 
to say about this letter. Let Lady Epping 
come back into the box. 

[Lady Epping is reluctant to re-entei^ the 
box. Lord Epping, Craven and her 
Solicitor urge her. She rises slowly 
and goes towards the hox., meeting 
Paul as he steps out of it so that they 
almost collide. Paul steps aside and 
says^ "/ heg your pardon.'''' Lady 
Epping enters the hox. 

Perry. 
iiand the letter to the witness. [The letter 
is taken from Wray and handed to Lady 
Epping.] Did you write that letter ? 



154 LADY EP PING'S LAWSUIT 

Lady Epping. 
{^Sweetly.'] I must read it before I can be 
sure, mustn't I ? YShe jpei'uses the letter. 

Perey. 
Did you write that letter ? 

Lady Epping. 
It is something like my writing. 

Perry. 

\Triu'mpliantly ?\^ Ah ! 

Lady Epping. 
That's not saying I wrote it. 

Perry. 
You admit the writing resembles yours. 

Lady Epping. 
But there's so much similarity in handwriting, 
you see. Modern women are so much alike. 
We talk alike and dress alike, and all look 
about thirty, so it's not surprising if we all write 
alike. 

Perry. 
I am not asking you for general statements. 
I am asking you if you wrote that letter. 

Lady Epping. 
I submit it has no bearing on the issues. 



LAD Y EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 5 5 

Wray. 
{Sharj>ly.'\ Answer the question. 

Lady Epping. 
[Floundering.'] The question ! 

Perry. 

Did you write ? 

Lady Epping. 
I write so many letters. 

Perry. 
Did you ? 

Lady Epping. 
I'm trying to think. 

Perry. 

Did ? 

Lady Epping. 

September the twenty-fifth. Now what did 
I do on September the twenty-fifth? Oh, I 
know — I went to Peckham to open some baths 
and then — then 

Wray. 

[Shmiting.'] Did you write that letter ? 
Lady Epping. 

[Pretending to read the letter.] "Dear Mr. 
Hughes. Can you lunch here on Tuesday ? 
Just ourselves. Do come. F. Epping." I can 



156 LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 

quite believe I wrote tliat. I write dozens and 
dozens of letters every day. 

Evelyn. 
[To Miss Mortimer.] Oh, that wasn't the 
letter she wrote at all. 

Lady Epping. 

How can I possibly remember them all three 
months after ? Who could ? [She tears the let- 
ter' into little hits as she says recklessly. ~\ Ask any 
woman if she can remember. 

[As soon as Lady Epping begins to tear 
wp the letter^ Perry fiies to the witness- 
box to try and stop her. General move- 
merit. The whole Court rises in great 
excitement shouting and gesticulating. 

Perry. 
Stop, stop ! My lord ! 

Wray. 
Lady Epping ! Lady Epping ! 

Usher. 
[Da/ncing about in front of the witness-box.'] 
Hi ! Hi ! Stop that ! 

Lady Epping. 
Go away. [She waves Usher and Perry 
aside.] Oh, look what I've done ! 



LADV EP PING'S LA WSUIT 1 5 / 

\She scatters the hits of paper with hoth 
hands. The people in Court resume 
their seats. 

Wray. 
[^Solemnly.'] Are you aware that you have 
committed two most grave offenses ? 

Lady Epping, 
{^Alarmed.'] What ? 

Wray. 
Your conduct amounts to perjury and con- 
tempt of Court, 

Lady Epping. 

What? 

Wray. 

You have sworn to tell the truth, the whole 
truth and nothing but the truth, yet you delib- 
erately make false statements and destroy doc- 
umentary evidence. Never have I met with 
anything so flagrant. I must commit you to 
the cells. 

Lady Epping. 

\_Uttering a piercing shrie]c.'\ Oh! \_Great 
sensation in court. Much movement and inco- 
herent talking. Lady Epping 7noaning when 
silence is restored.'] The cells ! [^Hysterically 
to Wray.] Oh, my lord — how should I know 



158 LADY EP PING'S LA WSUIT 

I'd committed a crime ? I'm very sorry. I'll 
apologize to the whole bar. 

Wray. 

\Restraining her with a gesture?^ You really 
did not know you were committing an offense 
in tearing up that letter ? 

Lady Epping. 
No, no — indeed I didn't. I tore it up — because 
I always tear up letters as I've read them. I 
never thought I should be sent to prison for it. 

Wray. 

\To Counsel.] I think we had better ac- 
cept Lady Epping's apology and proceed with 
the case. 

Lady Epping. 

\_Distractedly.'] Oh, no, no. Let's drop it and 
get out. [To Craven and Perry.] You two 
settle it between you. I'll pay all the costs out 
of my own pocket. If you can't get the money 
from my husband try my sister-in-law — {^points 
to Miss Vanderhide] Lady Oswald Bruce- 
Bannerman. I withdraw my case. 

Wray. 
You may withdraw your case if you choose 
but to withdraw it now looks rather 



LADY EPPING'S LAWSUIT 1 59 

Ladt Epping 
My lord — may I be allowed to explain ? 

Wkay. 

Certainly. 

Lady Epping. 

May it please your lordship, gentlemen of 
the jury — it has nothing to do with the letter. 
I withdraw my case because I have no case to 
withdraw. Mr. Craven ought never to have 
allowed me to bring this action. [Ceaven 
hangs his papers down on to the hench in front 
of him in a great rage.'] I saw that during 
Mr. Perry's very able speech . . . [Perry 
rises and hows'] about Adam and Eve and Satan. 
This is not a case of plagiarism at all. It 
is a case of coincidence — one of those instances 
of two clever people both thinking the same 
thing. I will only add — I'm surprised Mr. 
Craven couldn't see it. 

[Hickory laughs / Craven turns upon 
Mtu angrily. 

Wray. 
Before the Court rises, I should like to com- 
pliment everybody concerned upon the able 
way in which this case has been conducted. I 
agree with Lady Epping it should never have 
been brought, yet the experience will not have 



l6o LADY EP ping's lawsuit 

been in vain if it teaches both the plaintiff and 
the defendant the folly of trying to shine out- 
side their legitimate spheres. Mr. Hughes, the 
autnor — posing as a man of fashion : Lady 
Epping, not content with her countess's coronet, 
trying to find room on her head for a wreath of 
laurel leaves. What a sorry spectacle ! As in- 
congruous as if a judge should mistake himself 
for a jester. [Loud laughter from eveinj one in 
court except Wray, who looks mdignantly 
around him. The UsHER, seeing they are 
laughing in the wrong place at once excitedly 
quells the laughter. There is imfmediate silence?^ 
Mr. Hughes, my advice to you is this — Get out 
of the smart set as quickly as you can and stick 
to your work and your wife. \To Lady Ep- 
ping.] Lady Epping — you have told us it is 
your habit to tear up your letters. 

Lady Epping. 
Yes. 

Wray. 
Extend it to your plays. 



CURTAIN 



a. 3^. ^inero'0 Pap 

lancet 50 €mt0 €ac|i 



THE MAGISTRATE •^*'"°® ^"^ Three Acts. Twelve males, four 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, all 
interior. Plays two hours and a half. 

TIE NOTORIODS MRS. EBBSMITH ^/^^^ J^ ?«7 ^f 

EigLt males, five females. 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, all interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE PROFLIGATE ^^^y^^^o^rActs. seven males, eve females. 
Scenery, three Interiors, rather elaborate ; 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ^arce InThree Acts. Nmemales, seven 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
three interiors. Plays a fall evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^^7 *"/«"^ ^'f ^'f' 

^ males, five females. Cos- 

tumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

SWEET LAYENDER ^°™®^y *" Three Acts. Seven males, four 
females. Scene, a single interior; costumes, 
modem. Plays a full evening. 

THE TIMES ^o"*®*^? ^^ "Po-ar Acts. Six males, seven females. 
Scene, a single interior 5 costumes, modern. Plays a 
full evening. 

THE WEAKER SEX ^^^^^^^y ^^ Three Acts. Eight males, eight 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two 
interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITBOIT A SMILE r.aSraL^S.„r, 

modem ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

l^alter J^. I3afeer s. Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



014 675 402 8 # 

%fit 3E^illiam Wdixxm CDttion 
of ^laps 



AS Yftll I IKF IT Comedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, foui 
A J IVU Mi^ii li females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 

riMlIf p Drama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
vAauLiLiL tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

INIiOlKAV Play iJi Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
inUUulAA Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 

MARY STFABT Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
ll! AI\1 iJllJAni males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

TBE MERCHANT OF VENICE ^Xstr,!?e!^f;«^?e1: S^^ls"! 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

RICHFT IFIl ^'*y "* ^^® Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
AlVULilyUiU ery elaborate ; .costumes of the period. Plays a full 
evening. 

THF RIVAT S Comedy In Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
I ULi ni T ALtJ Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Ple-ys a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^^Atr i^^i^^'soJ^S^l 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL S'/en^mSe?, 

three females. Costumes, picturesque; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter 1^. I5a^tv s, Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



